Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Golf is the art of playing fetch with yourself.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

On the internet you can be anything you want. It’s strange so many people choose to be stupid.

Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?

Somebody stole my identity last week. Today, they showed up at my door and pleaded for me to take it back.

The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

When I was little my dad convinced me that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played dad, well played.

Does anyone remember that time before Facebook, when we all went outside and did stuff?

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s mind. Then I got a Facebook account, and now I’m over it.

NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures showed no signs of ESPN, beer, or porn.  This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.

I don’t hate you. I just hope your next period is in a shark tank.

Please pick up the phone and text your husband how much you love and care about him. I don’t want to see that shit on Facebook.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism cause me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, “here fill this out”?

The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “What’s wrong?” is inversely proportional to the severity of the shit storm that’s coming.

Denny’s has a slogan “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today .. . pretty sure she’s she’s going to get me something.