Husar’s Laws…

The last update from 2015…

I’m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone.

I can’t wait until I’m old enough to pretend I can’t hear.

Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

Ever look back and think of some of the people you dated or wanted to date in High School and then see them on Facebook and think “Whew! I dodged a bullet on THAT ONE!”

A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Usually the reason is somebody screwed up.

If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.

That’s it for the updates, but I thought I’d throw these old saws in just for the fun of it…

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh*t’.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but are primarily designed to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
And lastly ……..

SOB TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the shop while yelling ‘SON OF A B*TCH!’ at the top of your lungs. This is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

Comments

Husar’s Laws… — 12 Comments

  1. I remember reading this one somewhere.

    Electric Drill. Used for spinning Pop Rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    And in my experience, an electric drill can turn the softest of woods into something harder than diamonds until you realize it is switched to reverse.

    And if you work with tools long enough, you will find out that just like some people, some tools are going to hate you for no good reason and try to hurt you at every chance.

    Good post!

  2. When restringing old tube radios, keep a junk chasis handy. Pick that THAT one up and fling it across the shop when you “SOB” the one your working on.

    Best advice I’ve gotten in troubleshooting and repair of those old beauties.

  3. Jesus pins!
    Little, tiny corrugated pins, designed to lock into small holes to stop movement, or pieces from escaping.
    So small, in fact, that they have a tendency to squirt from between the thumb and forefinger to somewhere hidden.
    Eliciting the exclamation “JESUS”
    🙂

    gfa

  4. Haha. You make me want to go out and buy more power tools. And does common sense grow anywhere these days? IDK

  5. Oxyacetylene Torch; instead ,do this, take a small bag of ice and stuff it in the race where the bearing usually resides. Leave it till the ice is almost melted, turn over the wheel drum and tap on the back side of the race with a small drift punch. Usually pops right out. Failing that put the whole drum in your wife’s biggest freezer and leave it there for an hour or two. If that doesn’t work or get you killed, throw out the drum and buy a new one with race and bearing preinstalled. HE HE HE!

  6. “I’m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone.”

    As my boss found out today. Wonder if I will have a job next week?

  7. Pipe cutters, utility knifes, Channel Locks, and recip saws are most likely to become SOB tools while working for the BSA.

  8. John- LOL, yeah HARD wood…

    STx- NOW you tell me… 🙂

    gfa- I always called them damn pins 😀

    Fargo- Nope, common sense is on it’s death bed.

    Rev- LOL

    Ev- Both of those work… One is just more expensive, and you don’t get fed for a while… LOL

    WSF- Heh…

    SPE- Well, you can’t hurt Channel Locks… 😀

  9. “Ever look back and think of some of the people you dated or wanted to date in High School and then see them on Facebook and think “Whew! I dodged a bullet on THAT ONE!””
    Yep, and they are probably thinking the same thing…