Last night was one of those periodic get togethers with a friend and his wife. We decided to go to the local Italian place for an early (quiet) dinner. Bob and I were meeting his wife and one of her co-workers there; so Bob and I went in one car, and the women came from work. Now a little backstory here- Bob is a retired Marine Col., Debbie is a lawyer with a DC firm (name withheld to protect the guilty); Debbie is an determined fixer-upper of unmarried male and female friends. SO….

Bob and I are enjoying our adult beverage of choice when the ladies appear- I’m thinking, hey.. Nice looking lady, lawyer, so probably interesting conversation, etc… you know, the standard stuff…

Now Bob has never met her either, so we are both in the dark; so we do the introductions around, and ‘Amanda’ immediately is on a roll…

She proceeds to announce she is anti-2A, an avowed feminist, all men are useless, she hates hunters, all professional sports hould be banned and the money should go to help the porr and downtrodden in America rather than feeding male egos, she is an environmental lawyer fighting the good fight against the evil White House and their dark minions (yes she really said that), and all this before the order is taken.

At this point Bob and I are looking for a way out, Debbie is clutching Bob’s drink with both hands and a stunned expression…

Amanda proceeds to order one item from the menu, then ask about three other things not on the menu, and whether they can prepare them for her. The poor waiter is fresh off the boat from Italy, so his English is not the best, but he tries to cope, which only pisses her off more, but she finally gets what she wants. The rest of us order off the menu as always, and away Amanda goes again…

She is the best lawyer there, New Yawker, by way of Wellesley, Harvard, etc.- Made Partner in less years, has a senior staff (all women), did she mention she hates all men that travel for business, she hates guns, believes all SUV’s and pickup trucks should be banned from the road and crushed, along with all Semi’s and everyone should be force to drive Quote- Environmental Conscious- Unquote small vehicles, because the big vehicles cause too many accidents (now I’m sure there was supposed to be some logic in there somewhere, but I sure as hell missed it). She drives a Prius and shuns fur too!

She works 80 hours a week and bills 120 hours a week an has for the last three years, she is a volunteer for Hillary, and is sure when Hillary is elected she will be offered a job in the administration, and they will fix the environment, and gun control and get out of the war for oil in Iraq…

At this point, Debbie kicked me under the table- I ‘think’ she was aiming for Bob though. Now at this point neither Bob nor I have even gotten a word in edge wise… But Bob IS turning an interesting shade of Purple…

Thankfully dinner was served at that point, so we at least had something to distract us. Of course, the salad was too hot, the meal was too cold, the pasta too limp, the veggies not limp enough, so Amanda sent EVERYTHING back!

By now, she’s into the fourth or fifth glass of wine, with no food, so off she goes again… She considers herself a conservative Democrat, wants to ban all guns, all men that travel are whoremongers (yep she said that too), she is positive Hillary will win, why there is just NO other choice for the well informed…

Debbie kicks me again… and I get the ‘look’… then she kicks Bob and gives him the look…

At this point Amanda finally gets her food and finally shuts up for a few minutes. Debbie is just staring at the ceiling shaking her head, and Bob and I are just looking at each other with a you have GOT to be s**ting me expression on both our faces…

We finish eating and Bob gets the waiter’s attention and calls for the bill- Amanda finally finishes her meal, pronounces it not satisfactory, and FINALLY looks at me and asked what I do for a living… I felt the table leg move and heard Debbie mumble under her breath, but I went ahead and answered Amanda.

Well, I hid my leg behind the table leg, and I told her, “Well, pretty much EVERYTHING you don’t like; well, that pretty much describes me. I carry a gun, I drive a hot rod car, I travel 130 days a year for a living, and I think it will be a cold day in Hell before Billary gets elected again, Fred Thompson will mop up the floor with her and Obama both!”

Bob was coughing his head off because he had snorted part of a sip of wine trying to keep from laughing, Debbie was trying her best to keep a straight face, pinching the bridge of her nose and either laughing or crying, I couldn’t tell which…

Sigh…

Amanda’s expression was the proverbial deer in the headlights look- I don’t think she had ever had anyone answer her like that before. She looked over a Bob and asked him, he replied, “Well, I’m a former Battalion Commander in the Marine Corps, and it’ll be a LONG time before I ever vote for anything named Clinton, and this dinner is over.”

Amanda just stared back and forth at Bob and I for a minute and didn’t say another word… Debbie got up and Amanda followed her out and they left. Bob and I paid the bill and retired to my garage, where we continued to sip our adult beverage of choice…

About 45 minutes later, Debbie drove by so Bob started walking back up to their place. Shortly after, Debbie and Bob came back into the garage, she was apologizing up one side and down the other… She told me she had NEVER realized Amanda was that type of person, had she known, she would have never invited her, and she was sorry she kicked me. Bob and I both started laughing, which just pissed Debbie off more. She asked what we were laughing at, and I told her that was positively the WORST blind data I had ever had… She glared at me for a couple of seconds, looked over at Bob, and finally, sheepishly, agreed that yeah, maybe she had made a ‘small’ mistake on that one….

So ended my semi-blind date from hell….