Communications, or Lack Thereof…

I ‘know’ I’ve had one of THOSE weeks, and seems like I’m not the only one…

A magazine recently ran a ‘Dilbert Quotes’ contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

‘As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.’
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA)


‘What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.’ (Lykes Lines Shipping)

‘E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.’ (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)


‘This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.’ (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)


‘Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.’ (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
‘No one will believe you solved this problem in one day ! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.’ (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)


Quote from the Boss: ‘Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.’ (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,’That would be better for me.’ (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

‘We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.’ (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

If you’ve got any good ones that have happened to you, comments are welcome…

If you don’t I hope you at least got a chuckle out of these; and hopefully don’t work for any of these folks…

Comments

Communications, or Lack Thereof… — 18 Comments

  1. this is a story Chris and i regularly chuckle over:

    “A machine at $Other_Location has a bad power supply. I want you to replace it remotely.”

    …the individual who said that has a PhD and ran an IT department.

  2. (after an employee was fired for embezzlement, and facing pending prosecution, they called a meeting of his department)
    “Now we all know why we’re here. And we’re advising you not to talk about it, or the person’s name, due to possible legal issues.”
    Of course, being a secret, most folks had no idea to what or whom they were referring!

  3. ‘What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.’ (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    Made me spit coffee on the keyboard! I have had a boss or two who would speak like this!

  4. Can’t even remotely find a reason to laugh…

    …sounds too much like the idiotic higher-ups where I work.

  5. “If we pay them more can they run a ten thousand hour test this year?”
    “If I give you more metal to test, can you make that -3 sigma line match the average?” -3 sigma is three standard deviations or better known as scatter.
    “We have no budget to investigate failures, so there will be no failures this year.”

  6. Alan- Yep… meee too!

    Laura- I “know” that guy…LOL

    Guffaw- Figures!

    Fuzzy- You’re welcome

    Danny- Haven’t we all? sigh…

    Snigs- I’m sorry!

    SG- Did anybody explain that there are only 8760 hours in a year??? And 3 sigma data is pure scatter…LOL

  7. ‘As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.’
    (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA)

    I’m the guy that used to sit behind the security desk and have to inforce policie changes like this. I used to work security at AMD Austin. I got myself into trouble a few times walking out of rollcall saying; saying a little to loudly, “Did we just have a ‘Dilbert Moment!'”

    🙂
    Joshkie

  8. A friend works as an HVAC contractor for Dow Chemical. Every time he starts a job he has to list steps he will take, tools used, safety precautions etc..

    On the back of the form it says “List any unforeseen issues that you anticipate may arise”

  9. We are not moving jobs to Mexico. We are moving the manufacturing of products to Mexico.

    The President of my old employeer after he was reminded that he promised never to move jobs to the new Mexican plant.

    Gerry

  10. The FTD Florist quote brought this to mind – not work related, but still funny. When my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly, we were trying to make funeral arrangements and the parish priest said, “You’re not giving me much notice here.”

  11. Doh! I work for one of those!

    One of my favorites so far has been something to the effect of “We can’t spare an employee to be on the employee relations committee. Can’t we hire a contractor for that?'”

  12. We have annual drug testing which is done via hair sample. The first year we had to submit to it I went to the lab at the appointed time and while waiting for the technician to come and snip the sample I read through the instructions posted on the wall.

    #1. Person to be sampled must be present when hair is cut.

    I was trying to figure out how someone could NOT be present when their hair was being cut, but couldn’t. I asked the technician and she couldn’t figure it out either.

    The next year when I went back, the sign was gone.

  13. Anon- And if he doesn’t, I’ll bet he gets his butt chewed…

    Julie- You’re welcome!

    Gerry- yeah… sigh…

    WSF- yep 🙂

    Mrs. C- Why am I NOT surprised???

    DB- Yep… sigh…