Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an opticalAleutian .
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
These are horrible. HORRIBLE!
I wish I had thought of them.
We ‘willed’ items to the underclassmen at High School graduation.
I willed 456 puns to a Junior I knew.
You brought back many memories.
Gotta love em, Yes you do!!!!
Thanks for the smile
I knew there was a reason you and Calmer Half got along – the same horrible sense of humor! 🙂
I’m glad somethings got you feeling your oats and in high spirits, with plenty of punnery!
I had heard some of these but the entire collection is priceless!!! I will be using some of these in conversations during the week! It will drive my kids crazy. (The duty of every Dad!)
A pun in ten did make me smile.
🙂
Josh
North- Thanks 🙂
Guffaw- THAT is a collection I’d have liked to have seen!
ADM- 🙂
Fuzzy- You’re welcome
Wing- Yep, we’re BOTH pretty strange 🙂
Danny- That works (I used to drive my kids nuts with em)
Joshkie- Good!
I keep thinking of Fozzy Bear from the Muppets.
Wokka wokka! 😀
Snigs- 🙂
Heh….love those! Puns rock! However, you know what makes up 2/3’s of a pun? “P.U.”
One of my recent favs that usually gets groans (or punches): “The other day I was driving to work, watching the sun come up….and that’s when it dawned on me.”
Reminds me of a slogan used during a pledge drive for the local National Public Radio affiliate:
NPR: a rare medium well done.
JPG
Kirk- Good one!
Johnny- Good one too!
I saw so much useful data in this post!
Has anyone referred to you as a ‘punny’ guy? Many people find puns to be some of the most intelligent form of comedy, although there are many that feel that it is utter silliness. There is nothing wrong with either opinion, but a good pun is judged by its ability to make everyone around you groan. Telling people how you lost your watch, but never found it because you just couldn’t find the time is fun and silly, but it made you smile just a little bit, didn’t it?