Another one from the Mil-email… Pretty damn funny…(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.”
2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:
“I got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.”
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it then find something that rhymes, sort of:
” Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and weighs 500 pounds.”
4. The blues are not about limitless choices
5. Blues cars are Chevvies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable Blues transportation is Greyhound Bus or southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
9. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall: the lighting is all wrong
10. Good places for the blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. tanning salon
b. gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit unless you are an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
yes if:
a. your first name is a southern state – like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied
no if:
a. you once were blind but now can see
b. you’re deaf
c. you have a trust fund
13. Neither Julio Inglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the blues
Other blues beverages:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. any mixed drink
b. any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. if it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16. Some blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big mama
c. Bessie
17. Some blues names for men”
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
I will check this out, like I do every weekend night, while I listen to the Blues on KPLU. Thanks. Too True.
Except for the part about Chicago, doesn’t all nearly apply to country music? Well, country music when it was good back in the day.
This life-long musician is rolling on the floor. That’s hilarious, and TRUE.
Unless yer mean old badass dog died….
Andy, to be good country it’s gotta have something in it about prison, trains, Mama, rain, pick-ups & getting drunk. 😉
NFO, if mixed drinks don’t count, how about shooters?
I done been wronged by more women and bosses than I can count.
My only friends are a bottle and a dog.
I don’t give a damn what anyone says – I’m singin’ the blues…
LOL
i’m damn sure you have have the blues in the office .. singing the blues there however may be a different thing 🙂
Ha Ha
Perfect!
My “Blues name” is Old Harp McGee.
LOL!
I think there is an exception made for Mad Dog 20/20 in the wine dept.
Fantastic!
Gonna roll out some Mississippi John Hurt right now!
All- Glad y’all enjoyed that one! 🙂