The only thing worse than playing with one of these guys is BEING one of these guys, but not a single one of them will ever admit it…
Defining characteristics: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn’t ask. Employs a vast array of swing jargon that only confuses you further. Favourite expression “Wait, try this!”
THE HUMAN RAIN DELAY
Defining characteristics: Thinks he is honouring spirit of the game by never picking up. Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine. Favourite expression “Put me down for a 10”.
CELL PHONE GUY
Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist’s couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-the shoulder wedge shot. Favourite expression: “You guys hit. I gotta take this”.
THE CART GIRL SCHMOOZER
Defining characteristics: Convinced he’s got a shot with the cart girl. Would be crushed to learn she offered the same flirty laugh and bag of nuts to foursome of geeks up ahead. Favourite expression: “We’ll take four beers and one more smile, darlin'”.
THE PARKING LOT PRO
Defining characteristics: Colour-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he’s played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise. Favourite expression: “These are the same shoes Tiger wears”.
THE AIR COUNTER
Defining characteristics: Can’t remember his score without reliving every shot in detail. Favourite expression: “One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond. Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker”…
THE FRAT BOY
Defining characteristics: Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking… until the second hole. Favourite expression: “A few beers will loosen up that swing!”
CIGAR GUY
Defining characteristics: The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air – and the ash droppings on his belly. Favourite expression: “Straight from Havana, baby!”
Played with one of these…
Defining characteristics: The 15 handicap who is somehow playing ‘much better’ than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro. Favourite expression “I guess it’s just one of those days”…
Defining characteristics: So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else’s ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his. Favourite expression: “But enough about me. What do YOU think of my swing?”
And one of these…
BALL RETRIEVER GUY
Defining characteristics: Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s. Favourite expression: “Whoa! A ProV1!”
THE VOLCANO
Defining characteristics: Has unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on Ball Retriever Guy to occasionally fetch clubs out of lake. Favourite expression: “F**k!!”
DELUSIONAL GUY
Defining characteristics: Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he’s convinced he can get home in two. Usually get there in four. Favourite expression: “If I really catch it, I can get there”.
MULLIGAN GUY
Defining characteristics: Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable. Favourite expression: “Wait, wait, wait. I gotta try another”.
THE PLUMB BOBBER
Defining characteristics: The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable. Favourite expression: “Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!”
And one of these, who carries a yardage book, a cell phone GPS and a laser range finder… And actually GETS it to the green about three times out of 18…
YARDAGE BOOK GUY
Defining characteristics: Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150. Favourite expression: “I can’t decide if it’s a hard 7 or a soft 6”.
THE CHEAT
Defining characteristics: A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds – with a clear shot to the green! Favourite expression: “Better to be lucky than good!”
THE OVERCELEBRATER
Defining characteristics: Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping. Favourite expression: “Yes SIR!”
But having said that, I ‘really’ want one of these…
And the house/garage to go with it on the golf course!!!
I start out as the cigar guy, before sliding into frat boy mode by the third or fourth hole.
Oh yeah, and the cart girl always has a crush on me…
Living in hotels sux. How do you do it?
Time to break out the Caddyshack DVD again.
That is by far the coolest golf cart I have ever seen.
Senior being in the Navy for 20 years, played many rounds of golf on different bases..I think Golf is actually in the Navys job requirements, because every one I knew played or tried to. Anyways, most of the guys were the Beer Cart Schmoozer…
MSgt- LOL, this I gotta see… 🙂
MSgt- Re hotels, get with one chain (I like Hilton) and stick with them. They will get to the point that they recognize you, and will take care of you with room upgrades, free breakfast, etc.
Murph- Yeah 🙂
JUGM- 🙂 Re the ‘requirement’ We did a LOT of ‘business’ on the course that could never have been done in meetings, because there was no ‘rank’ on the course… 🙂
Meh, tried it twice (one of them was at Pebble Beach, thanks to MWR at Monterey). Not my game. Guess I could be pigeon-holed at “Which club?” guy. Has absolutely no idea how to play the game, but is along for the day.
Was it og who said he wakes up confused as to which hotel/city he’s in because the rooms are the same?
Cool golf cart.
My Navy son learned golf in the Navy.
I stopped playing before he came around.
Played with him on his wedding day at Groton.
Is that where all the work gets done?
Cool cart. I think every one of those guys you described are doctors in my building. :^)
Let me try it again…
I never played the game, but though about taking up the sport for exercise and hanging with the guys. Then I got to looking at the cost of the equipment and fees, and, well, being poor white trash and not knowing anybody I would spend that kinda money on without sex being involved, I decided it wasn’t for me. I’ll stick to NASCAR on TV.
Ayup. Played with all of those guys at one time or another.
Never a golfer but I’ve been fishing with some of those guys.
DB- That is hilarious, you’ve played one of the best know courses in the world and don’t play golf! And yes, MWR CAN occasionally come up with unbelivable deals!
Ed- Glad you got out, and yes lots of times that IS where work gets done (off the record of course).
Rev- LOL, that’s sad…
CP- GOOOD point! 🙂
Skip- Thankfully I’ve ‘missed’ a few…
WSF- Hadn’t thougt about it, but I could believe it! 🙂
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Golf is a four-letter word. It’s almost embarrassing that I’m a Business major that can’t golf (bad back doesn’t like the rotation for swings).
But I agree with the Well-seasoned Fool, I’m sure I’ve fished with most of those guys.
If I could swap my golf and bowling scores, I’d be “mediocre” at both. . . {chuckle}
When I look at a golf course, my first thought is always, “What a waste of a perfectly good rifle range.” {grin}
HAHAHAHAHA! I’m VERY familiar with the Cart Girl Schmoozer, having moonlighted as a golf course beverage purveyor par excellence…;)
It always appeared to me that playing golf was really just an excuse to get together with your buddies and get falling-down drunk.
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