Had dinner last week with an old friend and his family (we met 32 years ago this month in OCS), he’s a retired Navy Commander, former CO of a DDG and now working for the Navy as a SME…
During dinner his oldest daughter (21 and December grad from UCSD in EE) brought up an interesting point. She said something to the effect that ‘we’ had an entirely different perspective and value set than most of her peer’s parents she’d met…
This kinda sent us down a rathole…
What it came down to were some of the following (and all three kids DID contribute to the discussion)
Experience(s)- The time away from home (deployments) and separation anxiety, the moves, and not being able to talk about what went on while underway. His wife said this was the hardest, and she’d had to step up and come out of her shell to handle things; in addition to, as the CO’s wife, being there for all the other wives…
The kids all thought the moves actually HELPED them because it forced them to deal better with people, and gave them more confidence in dealing with both kids and adults (and themselves).
Perceptions of happiness and success- Homecomings were the number one ‘happiness’ quotient for the wife and kids… Daddy was home safe (again), and the day he retired from the Navy (wife’s happiest day, no more deployments). For the kids it was the roller coaster of emotions that taught them to deal with their own emotions and their mother’s. And it was the obvious pride the parents had in their accomplishments; including both dad and mom making it to their sports games, etc. That made all three kids happy as they all said many parents never even showed up, or just dropped the kids off…
His (and his wife’s) pinnacle of success was the CO slot… One of 10,000 that actually made it to that position, and a successful tour marked the high point of his career, and the low point of the wife’s interactions (having to deal with all the other wives). By any measure that is a huge success, but that really is only within the military. Oldest daughter brought up that one of her peers parents were millionaires, big homes, nice cars, private airplanes, but their home life was a wreck compared to her family. He’s now a GS, and providing expertise on ‘systems’ for the Navy, he acknowledged he could make more as a consultant/contractor, but like me, he believes we are able to make a difference and helping to keep the kids out there today safer than we were…
The ‘money’ quote- “It’s not always about money. It’s being able to be here now nad spend time with my family; and making an impact however small on the direction the Navy is going. I’m making enough for a reasonable lifestyle and we’re happy with that.”
Psychological age- We’ve both been accused of never growing up… Nuff said… 😀
Life goals- Being realistic in those goals, and still setting them high enough to be a ‘challenge’ to make them… Meeting the goals and moving on to new goals, not resting on one’s laurels (so to speak)… And sharing those goals with family, especially the wife who had to step up.
Family importance, and the ‘key’ to a successful family- From their perspective, it’s spending time together as a family, their religious beliefs, supporting each other whatever the endeavor, and resisting the ‘impulse’ to keep up with the Jones…
And I had very similar (continuation) of that conversation with LL and Opus. And they basically concurred…
Anyhoo… My .02 worth… Comments??? Thoughts???
Ya nailed it Cajun. My family’s experiences while in the military were very similar.
There is certainly a dissodance in values and experience between military and civillian families. My big sister is the second girliest girl on the planet aside from my little sister. And yet she can change a tire, check her oil, and pull a blown breaker. My little sister, who was born after Pop retired, not so much. Furthermore, my little sister is the one who has taken my repeated deployments the hardest.
I’d say this holds pretty true for me as well even though most of my experience was with the Guard. The need to adapt to deployments, my 2-year stint in SEA and my wife being pushed “out there” by being involved with unit duties all had a net positive affect on our life. I think the other difference is that folks “our age” grew up in a time where family values actually existed where I think many young folks today struggle with what it takes to build a solid family and family life.
Would have loved to sit in on some of the conversations you must have had!
I’d say the group’s observations are spot on, from my experience.
The why we chose the service, the service we chose, the life we lead in uniform, the enemies (foreign and domestic), the fears found and unfounded, the joy of real love, the pride of real value, the nurturing of the future service members, the nurturing of the personal family, and knowing in humility that we can walk with God, but Murphy is our shadow.
You can’t bottle the military, it isn’t for everyone, but those of us that dragged our family along are better for it.
Being a military family has made my youngest and his family stronger. His kids are in a tight knit community with shared positive values. While being a military wife may be the toughest job there is, she has om call a support group.
You don’t have to be in the military for those self same values to be true. Ranching families are much the same. Most are tight with mother earth, have shared values and high standards, are deeply committed to their families, their stewardship, their communities, and their country.
They may not always save your bacon, but they darn sure put it there in the first place.
23 mailing addresses in 29+ years, family began growing between # 5 and #6. Different neighborhoods, different rules/laws, different cultures and languages, different friends and peers,different climates, different typical pastimes, and on and on. My 3 sons’ growing up experiences couldn’t help but be more broad than most civilians.
Add all that to frequent TDY and my wife can do/has done things never imagined. In fact, upon the death of my father during a a PCS move, she stood in for me with my chief clerk and completely processed me off the base. I never saw an office or paperwork until it was all over, including moving out and turning back the base housing we’d been living in.
We have had an amazing family and military life had a lot to do with that.
Old AF- Thanks!
SPE- Understood…
Bill- You do have a point, but WSF’s below is also valid… Things like this ARE bringing the younger families together, much like we did.
Rev- Thanks
Earl- Concur! Not fun, nor always pretty, but it did ‘challenge’ us as they say…
WSF- Good point!
Dammit- Excellent point, I wasn’t trying to ‘dis’ any other group, it’s just that our conversation kinda revolved around what ‘we’ did…
I know you would never “dis” my crew, and I apologize that I came across as “dissing” you.
I’m proud of my crew, that moved cowcamp 31 times over the lifetime of a marriage, with only ourselves to move it, handle new schools, new communities, new friends, new housing etc.
Just wanted to say that there are a bunch of good people out there, civilian & military.
Brighid- No biggie, understand where you’re coming from. I did summers growing up on a ranch in Texas, NOT for the faint hearted nor those afraid to work… and you’re right, good folks in a LOT of places…
Conversations with old friends, especially those gathered in the course of a lifetime of shared experiences, bring out some timeless truths. Culture and values may change but truth never will. I’d have loved to eavesdrop. I can only imagine the stories!
Six- Agreed, and I’m sure you’ve had many of those same conversations! ALTHOUGH, yours don’t begin with ‘sea’ stories… 🙂