As long as you’re NOT a handyman…
Daffinitions
SKILSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
CHANNEL LOCKS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used , as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
So true on the table saw. The happiest days in the wood shop with my father were when we finished setting up the table saw, and when it went to a new, appreciative new home! I never, ever trusted that thing. I’d rather deal with a runaway router or power sander.
I have never had a major problem with a table saw, but I have to admit they scare me a bit, because I know just how much potential they have for mischief and mayhem.
I get along much better with the table saw than the wood-cutting bandsaw. (The metal-cutting one has nibbled a finger once or twice, but it lacks the ravenous teeth of its larger partner in flesh destruction.)
Ha Ha Ha Ha hahaha !
The drill press is easy enough to us safely – just clamp the work piece down real well. The trick is obtaining supports, fixtures, and/ or jigs to make that viable. Like for securing pipe or dowel to drill holes in. Ugh.
Clamping is for people who have time. Sheesh!
TOS: the safest method is to secure the work piece, um, securely. And then do not power up the drill press. This procedure has saved me from countless injuries. Why, yes, I do have many unfinished projects. How did you know?
Slightly OT: the fastest way to dismount ladder is to ascend as high as possible then attempt to use a 3-inch hole saw on a ceiling joist. Bonus air time for having one foot braced securely on something not-ladder. Milwaukee makes some darn powerful drills…
ARC WELDER: A device that sometimes can fuse metals together, and is also a great teaching tool so that the user can learn that welding in flip flops, or while wearing cut-off jeans shorts with a very fuzzy hem is a bad, bad, idea.
Also note that if you ever have the thought, “I think I’m on fire!” You almost always are on fire.
I read elsewhere that the definite of an ELECTRIC DRILL is a device that will spin pop rivets until the heat death of the universe.
Good ones all!
My brother lost a finger tip on a table saw using a molding cutter. Found it and they sewed it back on.
I can relate to everything posted but that. 🙂
A former in-law (outlaw?) lost the distal phalange of his right index finger due to a circular saw with worn-out bearings.
Down side: missing body part, necessitating using his middle finger for Mr. Trigger on his black powder rifle.
Two up sides (sorta):
Work related, so expense wasn’t entirely out-of-pocket. I think.
When shooting with youngsters watching, he would let the suspense build, then scratch the side of his nose with Mr. Stubby just before pulling the trigger. Hilarity ensued.
All- Snort, glad I’m NOT the only one that’s a bit paranoid around certain things…
Waaaaaay too familiar.
Should also include angle-grinders and chainsaws.
The power hedge trimmer. Good for a rough bulk of the work but I eventually find myself using manual clippers to finish the job. A cool tool to use but then you have to clean up the stuff so I always procrastinate on this.
Hammer: A manually operated, digitally controlled, gravity augmented impact generating device.(Also known as a cybernetic attitude adjustment tool.)
Hammer(2): kinetic impact adjusting tool.
High School Shop teacher nightmares.
I’ve used SON! OF! A! BITCH! TOOL! often.
Personally, I think all tools have that name…
Measure once, curse twice.