Compilation from an Aussie with WAY too much time on their hands…
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right”. So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of the divider that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind – I don’t think I’ll buy that today”. She said “Okay” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing she said she was shopping on the internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk…”
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use paper from the photocopier” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room – the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some cough medicine and he should be fine. The mother says “I just gave him some ant killer….” Dispatcher: “Rush him in to emergency!”
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was a University of Southern California graduate and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again… same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said “Where?”
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked “Does the sun rise in the North…?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for some time, she shook her head and said “Oh I don’t keep up with that stuff”.
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told him “The number you dialled is open 24 hours a Day, 7 days a week”. He responded “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly I said “Uh… Pacific”.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now” she asked me “has your plane arrived yet?”
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces”.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it’. For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50’. The next day someone stole it.
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”.
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I explained that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
And now my head hurts . . . .
We are so completely screwed . . . .
Somebody give Murphy a vascetomy.
and they don’t have leashes or muzzles or anything…just out there running free…free range idiots…
Stop already…your scare’n me…and the coffee thru the nose is ucky…
I thought the first few were serious. I have personally dealt with folks like this.
Larry, they’re also allowed to breed without restriction.
Yikes!
Your commentary on our miraculous modern world is completely on point.
The stupid…it buuuuurns!
eia- Yeah,mine too!
WSF- If only…
Larry- I know… sigh
Brighid- BTDT 🙁
Don- They are, that’s the problem!!!
Armed- yep!
LL- sad isn’t it…
Dirk- yep!
That’s a tny bit depressing.
Agirl- Yep… dammit…
I don’t get it….
Son and his college roommate went out looking at discount stores for a rug for their dorm room today. They were looking for a 6×9 — two different sales people in the store told them “We don’t have any 6x9s, but we have 9x6s” It was all they could do to get the rug and not fall out laughing until outside the store.
Joey- Yep, just MORE proof… sigh
angry customer yelling at the tire store salesman:
“I specifically told you I wanted the valve stems pointing UP this time.”
When I worked PC support at a company in the Great North Wet I had one of our people call be because she broke her cup holder and wanted me to replace it because it snapped off.
Confused by the conversation and not able to get a clear answer about why PC support would replace a cup holder I went over to her desk.
She had been using the CD drive tray to hold her coffee mug.
God Help Us