Flog…er…golf humor…

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS…

1. Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it. – Not at $325 I’m not…

2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. – Hit. The. Ball…

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. – Or walk around and drop on the far side…

4. If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. – Or hit a perfect shot and nail ’em on the next tee…

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. – lalalalalala…

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. – Yep, that is a truism…

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. – An parting with significant $$ for the %^&* lesson…

8. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip. – Then it will be broke and not repairable for the next 10 rounds…

9. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. – What divot? What shot…

10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck. – With my skill, even BAD luck wins…

11. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt for a 10. – Only if it’s a double breaker, uphill, into the grain…

12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. – Too true, even when you catch em at it…

13. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. – And neither one of the damn things goes in…

14. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away. -It is if I’m putting with a driver…

15. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. – Which will reject the ball an ricochet it into an even MORE unplayable lie…

16. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces, just the way you meant to play it. – Notice there is NO mention of a fair bounce…

17. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time. – Nah, 5% and 95%…

18. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. – Can one really go back to the sperm stage???

19. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. – Truism again…

20. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. – Look up, see a bad shot, look down, lose the ball, hitting three…

21. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. – Birdie, what’s a birdie??? Triple bogeys I know…

22. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. – Or be in position to actually win a match…

23. To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap;
i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph. – Equals a complete miss 15% of the time…

24. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. – Usually the wrong hand…

25. Hazards attract; fairways repel. – Sand traps are black holes…

26. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball. – All of which occur at EXACTLY the wrong time…

27. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. – Yours is the one 150 yards in the rough…

28. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. – I’d take that over plugged in the front face of a 5 foot bunker…

29. It’s easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard. – Or 3:00 AM to leave at 4:00 AM to make a 3 hour drive to get an 8:00 AM tee time…

30. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over. – Gravity blows…

31. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. – Which is SOOOO unfair…

32. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot. – And it STILL doesn’t help…

33. A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are…
that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends. – Picked last as usual…

34. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work. – And when you step on it, it will be the ONLY perfect shot of the day…

35. If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life. – And won’t even get a rain check…

36. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen.
And you need to buy fresh ones each week. – Week Hell, every nine…

37. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there. – I wear blinders, I’m so broke I can’t even afford to look (damn golf balls)…

38. It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. – And your point is???

39. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse). – I’ve had holes where I would have taken any one of those scores…

40. You probably wouldn’t look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine. – Sweatshirts not allowed, but we will SELL you this windshirt for only $60…

41. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don’t get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery. – At least not more than once…

Comments

Flog…er…golf humor… — 9 Comments

  1. Ah, you’ve listed 41 of the 42 reasons I prefer a good game of 8-Ball to golf.

    Reason 42- my pool playing attire is far more attractive than golf shoes.

    However, I do play a mean game of Goofy Golf (a knock off of Putt-Putt). 😀

  2. Moi? A smartass? Surely you jest.

    And by saying you can shoot pool-

    Are we talking full size pool or kiddie pool and rifle or shotgun?

    Ok- maybe I am a tiny bit smartass. Just a tiny bit.

  3. 6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. – Yep, that is a truism…

    This is so me.

    Like RT said, only Swimming POOL!

  4. I only played golf once! At the links down at Gitmo and we got thrown off the course for being to drunk, too much loud swearing, and filling the place with holes for gophers to dig! I thought this was a pussy game and never tried again. NOW, I play Tiger Woods , Wii, you know, as in wee the TV game! Can’t play it any better than the original! My wife beats my ass on a regular basis so I don’t play against her any more either! But you did leave me LMAO!!