A little Navy Humor…

A Seaman saying, “I learned this in Boot Camp…”
A Petty Officer saying, “Trust me, sir…”
A Lieutenant JG saying, “Based on my experience…”
A Lieutenant saying, “I was just thinking…”
A Chief chuckling, “Watch this shit…”

Now they tell me…

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Chief was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible. The Chief pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby…and he sure was hungry!” Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears. The Chief sadly shook his head, and in true US Navy fashion exclaimed…….. And all these years I’ve been chewing gum.

3 Real Life Stories
The First …
Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten Naval Officers and one Chief. Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others. They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the Chief said he would let go of the rope since Chiefs are used to doing everything for the Navy. They forsake their family, don’t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return. When he finished his moving speech all the Naval Officers began to clap…
Never underestimate the powers of a Chief.

The second …
A group of Chiefs and a group of Naval Officers take a train to a conference. Each Naval Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Chiefs has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Naval Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Chiefs will finally get what they deserve. Suddenly one of the Chiefs calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the Chiefs jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Naval Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the Chiefs slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round. For the return trip the Naval Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Chiefs didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Chiefs announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Naval Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in. All the Chiefs leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Chief enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Naval Officers and says: “Ticket, please!”
And the moral of the story?
Naval Officers like to use the methods of the Chiefs, but they don’t really understand them.

The third …
Master Chief + 3 Lieutenants
One day, a Master Chief went to the Officer’s Club with his Captain to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them if they could join them. They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Master Chief mentioned he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Master Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.
The Master Chief then told the Lt on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Master Chief said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.

The Lieutenant across the table from the Master Chief asked if he had determined his source of commission. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy . The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy . The Master Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had simply observed the Lieutenant’s class ring while he was picking his nose.

Route to becoming a Admiral
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, ” Admiral ,United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.”
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tightlipped smile, ” Admiral , United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both judges.”
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims: ” Master Chief Petty Officer , United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.”

Seamanship Test
One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer’s seamanship.
“Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?” “Easy, sir, I’d call ‘Man Overboard’ and follow the Man Overboard procedures.”
“What would you do if an officer fell overboard?” “Hmmm,” The Chief said, “Which one, sir?”

Old Salt
A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, “Come right in, Admiral! You’ve served your country well and you may enter Heaven!”
The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, “Just one thing, sonny. I hope there’s no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I’m not going in; I’d rather go to the other place.”
“Don’t worry, admiral,” said Saint Peter.
“No Chief has ever made it into Heaven.
You’ll find none of ’em here.”
So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in a khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm.
Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. “Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here!
So what the hell is THAT?!?”
“Don’t worry, admiral,” says Saint Peter gently. “That’s God. He just THINKS he’s a Chief.”

A wise old Master Chief once said…
A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
“Well,” replied the Master Chief, ” the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition.
First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.
Does that answer your question?”
“Yes Master Chief” replied the young Ensign. “But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?”
“That, sir, goes waaaay back in history – back to the Garden of Eden. You see we’ve always covered our pr*cks with leaves.”

“The Chief and the Gunny”
An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who’d had the tougher career. “I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Gunny declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country’s wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa , clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. “As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General Mac Arthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. “Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam . We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we’d fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!”

“Ah,” said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, “all shore duty, huh?”

Remember-the two most dangerous things in the navy are a bos’n mate with a pencil and an ensign with an idea.


A little Navy Humor… — 32 Comments

  1. Pretty good!
    When I was of draftable age back in 1971, and was thinking of joining up so I could get into a field I wanted. my Dad and I had several talks.
    One of the things he told me, and that will always be with me was “If you go into the Army, you listen to your Sargent. If you go into the Navy, you listen to your Chief. They’ll both help keep you alive, while the Lieutenants will get you killed!”.

  2. Oh, damn. As a retired Air Force Chief Master Sergeant, my ribs are hurting from reading this one! Damned good, Jim. Damned good.

  3. LMAO!

    “Remember-the two most dangerous things in the navy are a bos’n mate with a pencil and an ensign with an idea.”

    The Army version is a 2nd LT with a map and a compass. (I guess that dates me. They all have GPS units now.)

  4. I relate to the last one because a Chief, like my job as Sergeant, makes ME say, “hey, watch THIS shit” delivered with an elbow to the ribs.


  5. drjim- Pretty much TRUE!

    Bob- Thanks! 🙂

    Six- You’re welcome

    DR/Tim- 🙂

    Stephen- Yep!!!

    Murph- 😀

    BZ- Say it ain’t so, NOT YOU! 😀

    CP- Aren’t they though…

  6. Thanks NFO. Best laffs I’ve had in a couple of weeks.

    (“And ya can’t trust an even-numbered Chief!”)

  7. hehehe I like the Chief and Officer humor…I just changed the Chiefs to NCO’s of the Army

  8. LMAO. After receiving a candy cane instead of a cigar from a 2nd LT when he made 1st LT, A 1st Sgt taped the candy cane on the wall under a sign he made, “First brown boots, then black boots, and now this shit!

  9. Funny, I was teasing both my Senior Chief and my YN3 one day…

    “Stahl (the YN3), how old are you?”

    “I turn 21 in three months, YN2.”

    Turning to my Senior Chief, “Hey, Blip? Were you stationed in Texas 20 years ago?”

    Senior Chief couldn’t stop laughing for a good 5 minutes, and boy was Stahl mad at me … once he figured out that I had accused Blip of being his dad!

  10. Hey Old NFO – will you ever admit just exactly how many Real Chiefs it took to keep your butt out of numerous slings??? ;-p

    OTB MCPO sends…………

  11. My favorite was the “Route to becoming a Admiral” – that got a good laugh out of me!

    Last week I was talking to my 29+ year Master Chief (about to retire) he was telling stories – and I am wondering if HE isn’t the Chief in most of these stories! Ha ha!

    When I was enlisted and throughout my commissioned time, I could not have survived without those awesome, colorful, all-knowing Senior Enlisted!

  12. eia- Thanks!

    Scott- GOOD one! LOL

    DT- Yep services wide…

    MCPO- Oh HELL no… Not sure the statute of limitations has run out on everything 🙂

    Chantilly- Same here! No question!!!

    Instinct- Don’t we all!

    MSgt- Takes one to know one… 🙂

  13. Old Cavalry post out west during the late 19th Century. Three brand new second lieutenants assigned at once, straight from West point. The old captain commanding the troop takes them out to the parade ground, where a sergeant and a half dozen privates have tools, ropes, and a tall pole.

    “Gentlemen, to develop your skills as officers, I have set a problem. The parade ground needs a new flag pole. Carry on.”

    The lieutenants start barking out orders to the privates, getting in each other’s way, contradicting each other, and so forth. After half an hour, the captain calls a halt.

    “Gentlemen, this is how an officer sets up a flagpole. Sergeant, get the pole up – I’ll be in the Mess.”

  14. I always thought that the most dangerous thing in the military was a running EOD tech.

  15. Geod- GOOD one! 🙂

    jimc- ONLY if you’re close… A boats can sink the WHOLE DAMN BOAT with one ‘good’ idea… sigh

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