Nelson at Trafalgar… Updated…

What if…  

Nelson was at Trafalgar in 2012???

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, this isn’t what I dictated to Flags.  What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud): England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’  What gobbledygook is this for God’s sake?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir.  We’re an equal opportunities employer now.  We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy.  Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry sir.  All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration.  Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.  It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy.  I suppose we’d better get on with it full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
Nelson: “Damn it man!  We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.  We must advance with all dispatch.  Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir.  No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations.  They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access?  I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir.  We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled?  I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.  I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did.  The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
Nelson: “Whatever next?  Give me full sail.  The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir.  Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.  And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy.  Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What?  This is mutiny!”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir.  It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.  There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.”
Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir!  The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.  According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water.  We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir.  You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir.  We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules.  It could save your life”
Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety.  Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu!  And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”
Nelson: “In that case………………. Kiss me, Hardy.”

h/t CP


Nelson at Trafalgar… Updated… — 15 Comments

  1. At least he still had a ship at sea. More than our Navy has at the moment. The kissing pare is only between officers. The crew looked for sucker-fish.

  2. Well, since the HMS Victory was Wind-Powered, at least Nelson wasn’t stuck using “Eco Biofuel” at 10 times the cost of Bunker C!

  3. It’s an uncomfortable statement – an inconvenient truth about what we’ve become.

    And why things don’t work well.

  4. Reminds me of the current TV commercials for the US Navy. I’m okay with the “100% On Watch” commercial. No real complaints. But, then, there’s the other one. You know, the “Global force for good” commercial. Look, we know the Navy (and the other services, too) have done a lot of good worldwide over the years. I’m glad of that. Still, that’s not why we have a military, regardless of the branch. A strong, professional U.S. military serves two purposes. First, it provides an incentive for the bad guys, of which the world has a seemingly endless supply, to not get too carried away. Second, if they do, it allows us to curb stomp them into submission. All of which indicates I’m getting old, I guess…

  5. As I’ve blogged before….Nelson’s final words were “Not over the side”, a reference that he did not want to be buried at sea. His body was placed in a keg of rum and a marine guard was posted while they returned him to England. He is now under the dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral. He took the spot that the Duke of Wellington wanted.

  6. eia- Yep…

    Keads- Concur

    CP_ Point… sigh

    Rev- Don’t it though…

    Les- Thankfully…

    LL- Isn’t it though…

    WSF- Yep!

    RM- Agree completely!!!

    gfa- Agreed, and we are damn near there…

    PE- Yep, that IS an interesting story…

    PH- Yep!