To start the week…

Here is the latest from our newly ordained Pope Francis.

Pope Francis recently finished his sermon, ending it with the Latin phrase, “Benedicto Tuti Homini” – Blessed be Mankind.

A Women’s Rights Group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Benedicto Tuti Homini et Tuti Femini” – Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The day after, a Gay Rights Group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, “Sure.”

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, “Benedicto Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Frutti.”

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Eight words with gender-specific meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
   Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
   Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
   Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
   Male….. Playing football without a cup.

   3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
   Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
   Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

   4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
   Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
   Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

   5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
   Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
   Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

   6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
   Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
   Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

   7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
   Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
   Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

   8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-mohtkon-trohl) n.
   Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
   Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

   and finally …

   He said….. Why are married women heavier than single women?
   She said….. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He’s crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook.  She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. ”Well, cowboy,” says the genie,

”You know how I work … You have three wishes.”

”I’m not falling for this,” said the cowboy,

”I’m not going to trust an IRS genie.”

”What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

”OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he’s surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

”OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

”My second wish is that I was rich …. beyond my wildest dreams.”

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

”OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,  ”I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story: If the U.S. government offers to help you, there’s going to be a string attached. 

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Mensa Question

 

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

And on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below

 

 

 

 

 

Get off the merry-go-round.

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The Ocean . . . All You Need To Know

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

7) – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

8) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

9) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

10) – The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

11) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)