In the greatest days of the British Empire , a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing all the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said , “You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office.
His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …”
Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f___ed.”
++++++++++
Equal opportunity offense…
Blonde Men-
A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
————————————
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
————————————
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blond man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
———————————
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
——————————
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”.
The blond man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
————————————
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
————————————
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, he shouts, “this is her husband!”
————————————
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”
————————————
A blond man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy!” he replies..
————————————
A blond man is in jail.. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.
“It should be around your neck” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe”.
————————————
(This one actually makes sense…sort of…)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blond man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
ONFO: why do you hate us? 🙂
I must say though, the DEI twist of blond men was unexpected; and somewhat disturbing.
ETA: maybe the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. In the last one that almost makes sense: why is the tourist Italian? Yeah, I know I’m killing the humor for asking. And just to beat this dead horse: the long flippers keep divers from leaning forward. (insert eyeroll emoji here).
Heh- If I made you laugh, it was worth it!
Why do people think it’s clever to take old and familiar jokes, and try to make them PC?
It just makes them less funny.
Like maybe deciding to tell sheep-jokes about people who don’t have sheep. Why bother?
Ok…. Let me rephrase that.
When you take well known jokes, or types of jokes and rewrite them to make them more PC, you are telling your audience that laughing at the right people is more important to you than humour.
Yeah, a lot of humour is based on stereotypes that we know are, well, stereotypes. Ideas or perceptions that are not universally true, but which resonate enough to pinch just a little. When your tacit assumption is that I need to have my stereotypes adjusted….. that says a lot about what you think of me.
I have my share of Irish blood. Yeah, “Irish” jokes are told around the world, with different groups being the butt. The Spaniards tell them about the Portuguese, the Germans about the Poles… and the Irish tell them about the blokes in the next county. But here’s the point. If you apply them to people that we don’t recognise as fitting the stereotype, what are you trying to do?
Well, when you think of the geometry, the joints, and the center of gravity, rolling back is kinda natural, and does not have a huge risk of injury.
I can think of ways to do it the other way, but some of them are a recipe for knee or leg injuries.
A tank on back is gonna tend to make you rotate around a CG that is a bit behind, and you want the soft fleshy bits on the outside of the rotation.
If you have a bigger more stabler boat, and flat area, you could probably walk off fast while standing, and understand if you were going to clear the boat with the tanks.
Pingback: Borrowed Humor | The Elegant Ungulate