We have stuck together since the late 1950’s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them). We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill. We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
A WASP Conservative
(Better known to the Left as one of those bitter working-class people who are clinging to their guns and religion in this time of need.)
Wow. Impressive, very impressive. I know which side I want to live on.
Sounds good to me, we did want to go with the younger, sexier and sensible version anyway…
EL- So do I… so do I
Earl- Agreed 🙂
I’ll sign on for that divorce!
sounds reasonable to me …. being single is better than being in a bad relationship where you have to compromise who you are and what you believe!
Well, irreconcilable diffs, ya know…..LOL I’m with ya!
Snigs/Julie/Kevgas- If y’all are for it, then we ARE in trouble! And yes, divorce is often painful, but this is I believe one of the times it would actually be for the better!
What can I say? Maybe I’m still a little sore the South didn’t win to start with? 😀
Oh, if only it could be true. I’d give’em New England and the rustbelt. I’d keep Dixie, Texas, MN, AZ and the Heartland. They can have Kalifornia, I’d take Oregon and Washington to maintain a Pacfic Ocean access. We get Alaska, they can have Hawaii.
I’d split it up this way because in 20years they’ll come crawling back wanting us to bail them out again.
A Pox on ’em!
Snigs- Yeah, pretty much…:-)
Crucis- Agreed! Although Oregon has been pretty well “infected” by Kalifornia defectors…
Maybe we could go to Mexico for one of those quickie divorces. Oh wait, Mexico is already here thanks to liberal immigration policies and bogus work visas.