Aviators…

Posted on by March 6, 2013


A little humor for the weekend…

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot??? The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life.
Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Lawyer or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a B777

Aircraft Identification:

If it’s ugly, it’s British.
If it’s weird, it’s French.
If it’s ugly and weird, it’s Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto:

‘We’re not happy, till you’re not happy.’

If Air Traffic Control screws up, it’s called a “System Malfunction”, If a pilot screws up it’s called a “violation”.

If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter — it’s about to.

I give that landing a 9 . . on the Richter scale.
(used that one once or twice)

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:

“You’ve got to land here son. This is where the food is.”
(I loved this one)

The three best things in life are:

A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.

A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.
(yep, especially in the back seat of an F-4B)

Comments

Aviators… — 10 Comments

  1. “If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter — it’s about to.”

    Is THAT ever true.

    Witnessed by me: back when we had Hughes 300s on my department, I had a trainee of mine take an orientation ride with a pilot who was a good friend. I said “Hey, you know, show him around.” Nudge nudge, wink wink.

    The trainee came back and I could see, even while landing, two very clear things: his face was absolutely drained of color, and he had a Death Grip on the bottom cushion.

    Once out and everything stopped, I noted a couple of things for my trainee. First, I pointed to the transmission: “See here? This stays up in the air by way of these belts. Like fan belts.”

    He got whiter.

    Then I went to his passenger seat and pulled up the seat bottom, held in place only by Velcro.

    He damn near passed out.

    BZ

  2. Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:

    “You’ve got to land here son. This is where the food is.”

    Ooo, I like that one too.

  3. Nah, nah, nah.

    The three most dangerous things in aviation are:
    1. A Lawyer or Doctor in a Bonanza.
    2. Two captains in a B777
    3. Two (or more) CFI’s in a 172!

  7. It’s been a long time since I could pass a class II physical, but I see that some things never change. I work with a fellow who was an NFO in the A3D. He has some interesting tales of carrier ops in the Med.

  9. What’s the difference between an aviator and a jet engine?

    The jet engine stops whining when the flight is over…

    DocV-Flying Dentist

  10. I’m guessing that at one time you were or still are a ” multi zippered sun god ” ………………