Gotta Love Hawaii… NOT…

Got this from a buddy stationed in Hawaii… Not too far from the truth…

If you have spent some time in the Islands, you’ll find this funny. 
If not oh well…….
Please try fo complete dis as best as you can and no take 
defense at da questions. Tanks eh!
Last name:

[if your last name no fit, continue on da oddah side of da 


First name:

[ ] Boy

[ ] Junior
[ ] Junior Boy
[ ] J.B. (short for Jr. Boy)
[ ] Honey Girl
[ ] Tita
[ ] Sista
[ ] Bradda
[ ] Sista-Girl

What year you went grad: ____
(if unsure, try guess)


[ ]M
[ ]F
[ ]Mahu
[ ]None

Slippa size: ____ Left ____ Right


[ ] Small kine
[ ] Mejum
[ ] Small kine big
[ ] Momona


[ ] Blind as one bat
[ ] Bad, but not dat bad
[ ] She go!
[ ] Black and Blue


[ ] Construction worka
[ ] Sanitation Engineer
[ ] Surfa
[ ] Lei greeter
[ ] Waitress
[ ] Stripper
[ ] Un-employed
[ ] Bishop Estate Trustee

Spouse’s Name:


2nd Spouse’s Name:


3rd Spouse’s Name:


Lover’s Name:


2nd Lover’s Name:



[ ] Hawaiian
[ ] Popolo
[ ] Hapa
[ ] Japanese
[ ] Filipino
[ ] Haole
[ ] Portagee
[ ] Pake
[ ] All da above

Numba of children living in household: ______

Numba of children living in your household das not 
yours: _____

Number of children that stay bumming off of you das 
over 23 years old: ______

Mother’s Name:


Father’s Name:


Edumacation: (Circle highest grade completed)

1 2 3 4

If you obtained one higher edumacation what was yo major?
[ ] 5th grade [ ] 6th grade

Cawheelas you own and where dey stay:

___ Total number of cawheelas you own

___ Number of cawheelas that still crank ova

___ Number of cawheelas wit rust

___ Number of cawheelas no mo rust

___ Number of cawheelas on cement blocks

___ Number of cawheelas stay held together with duct tape.

Age you started fo drive: ______

(If over 10, slow learner ?): [ ] Yes [ ] No

Do you have a surf rack?

[ ] Yes [ ] No; If no, please explain:

Color of teeth:

[ ] Yellow
[ ] Brownish-Yellow
[ ] Brown
[ ] Black
[ ] N/A

How far is your home from a paved road?

[ ] 1 miles
[ ] 2 miles
[ ] don’t know

Distance between you and da beach? ____

Do you live on beach front property but don’t own a house 
or the land? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please explain:

How many times you gotten away with a DUI dis year 
because you were related to da policeman?____
How much pakalolo do you smoke a day?

[ ] 1 joint
[ ] 2 joints
[ ] would smoke but cost more den gold.

How much beer do you drink a day?

[ ] 6 pack
[ ] 12 pack
[ ] 18 pack
[ ] case

How do you know that you had too much to drink?

[ ] You fall out of da car when da policeman opens da car door.
[ ] Da keg is empty.
[ ] You Haole but your eyes look like de from one Japanese.
[ ] When you piss, da bugga smell like Budweiser.
[ ] All of the above.

As usual, there is a move afoot for MORE native Hawaiian control of the islands.  As far as I’m concerned, we need to close the bases, destroy the facilities, and pack up and leave Hawaii… Then let them try to function…

If it weren’t for Haoles, tourists, and the military, they’d still be paddling around in canoes trying to fish for a living.  Even back in the 70’s when I was stationed out there, over 50% of the high school grads were functionally illiterate!!! 


Gotta Love Hawaii… NOT… — 21 Comments

  1. Hate to say it, but I’d wager a goodly portion of the high school grads where I live (Southeastern PA) are probably functionally illiterate as well. The folks I just graduated from college with (and some of the professors) aren’t much better.

    That said, I was never really eager to visit Hawaii before; you’ve only confirmed my decision to Stay Away.

  2. But they did give us Don Ho…

    wv: hyper. Adjective perfectly describing Murphy the Dog when he’s not asleep.

  3. WSF- Pretty much…

    Raptor- That’s sad, I thought better of PA than that (Other than Philly).

    Murph- And???

    BZ- Bad, BAD 🙂

  4. Whenever I mention being stationed in Hawaii, people always gush about how great a place it is. Sure, I guess…when you visit for a week and never leave the resort that caters to your every whim, I guess it would be too. Personally….I was glad to get away, and don’t think I’ll ever go back, at least not without some serious firepower.

    Australia….now, THERE’s a liberty port!!!!

  5. Interestingly enough the “questionnaire” could apply to a significant part of Australia’s population too … but you probably don’t see that bit on R&R 🙂

  6. I graduated Radford HS in ’67. Even back then they were talking about having to teach in Pidgin because most students didn’t understand English. Dat numbah 10, bruddah.

    Here’s some irony – Obama was probably considered a Haole. Or maybe a happa Haole. If he had gone to any other school besides Punahou, the locals would have kicked his skinny ass every day.

  7. My god daughters mother is Hawaiian and was so pretty she took my breath away when I first met her. Her kids look just like her. SC was raised as an Air Force brat so acts more haole than anything else.

    When she lived the south folks thought she was black.
    When she lived in the west they thought she was Native American
    When she lived in Texas they thought she was Mexican.

    Hawaii is just Kentucky with beaches and volcanos.


  8. Kirk- Point… 🙂

    Julie- What is this R&R you speak of? 🙂 And yeah, I know Australia has their troubles too…

    PE- True!

    Gerry- They can be, and if they don’t blow up to 300lbs by age 25, they tend to stay beautiful. And agreed, it IS just like Kentucky (at least on the family tree stuff)!

  9. Wow! They are going up to Fourth Grade now! That’s a 100% improvement since the Navy put me on Ford Island back in 1980. We’ll go into details at Jay’s Shoot.

  10. Obama would be “Papolo”. As a kamaina haole who grew up in Hawaii, I’d say Southern California isn’t any more literate, though the drivers are a bit better. Spanish is harder to understand than pidgin. The water is too cold, the wind is always onshore so the surf sucks and the biggest advantage is you can get in a car and drive for hours without being back where you started.

  11. BP- Yeah, I left the Pao hana Bro off…

    Chris- True sigh…

    Hunt- Hadn’t thought of it, but you’re right. And rock fever IS a problem for haoles!

  12. I was talking about Hawaii with a bunch of people the other day. One of them had a son who had moved there, but none of the others had ever been there.

    I told them that it was nice to visit, but I could never live there because after a couple of weeks, you realize that there isn’t that much to do.

    Honolulu, once you get out of the tourist areas is just like any other sh** hole big city. Lot’s of poverty, lot’s of crime.

    I’m glad we went, but I don’t expect that we’ll ever go back.

  13. When I’ve talked to other Army Wives who lived there, they said the following: “It’s beautiful, but the cost of living is sky-high with widespread poverty. As in ‘tent cities and multi-level tents.'”

    We know someone who just moved there and decided to buy a half-million dollar house for 3 people. I’m not entirely sure I’d want to commit myself to a home in a place that I wasn’t sure I’d be living in for the rest of my life, but that’s just me…

  14. TOTW- Concur!!!

    MM- Most of the sig others get rock fever in about 6 months… and EVERYBODY and their damn brothers, sisters and ancillary relatives want to come visit! And then bitch when you don’t take time off to ‘show them around’…