A Message from the Queen…

Posted on by March 6, 2013

A little humo(u)r for your Sunday…

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).


Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.


God Save the Queen!


h/t- JP

Comments

A Message from the Queen… — 18 Comments

  5. So the Queen doesn’t fancy Kansas. That means we will have to set up our own beer drinking, football playing, right hand driving republic.
    All but residents of MA, NY, NJ, IL and CA are encouraged to apply for residency status.

  7. I thought Andie Macdowell played an American in that movie.
    Her Majesty may find that
    A: Our military is a little grown since last time, (we won’t need France to help us),
    B: We know the backdoor codes to all the systems we’ve sold them.
    Then again, if she promised to try Obama and Congress for treason to the Crown…

  8. Too funny. But I don’t think their firearms policies would be welcome here…. Or the whole ‘knives without points’ thing. Otherwise I wouldn’t mind adding a ‘u’ to words or using ‘ise’ instead of ‘ize’. 😉

  9. Heh, heh, heh. Does she forget that from New York to Boston half of the Population is descended from Ireland (95% in South Boston)? That Appalachia is populated by the Descedents of Scotland? That Miami is full of Jamaicans? That the Midwest is full of people that she NEVER had a Claim on, such as Poles, Czechs, Magyars, Serbs, etc.? And the Native Americans had a little set-to once called the French-Indian War, and they have LOOONG Memories? And that she can only draw upon 30 Million Canadians for Back Up? Wherein we have 30 Million Latinos who also remember the Spanish Armada, and would like some Payback?

    Does she really think that Prince Charles has one 1/100 of the Military Leadership of her cousin Lord Mountbatten, and he wasn’t THAT Great?

    Britain needs to realize that they came up with Montgomery, while we came up with Patton. And we have PLENTY of Patton Wannabes around, waiting for Big Army to release them.

    Go for it, Queenie, this would be Fun.

  10. The nation of Texas objects and willwelcome any Limey attempt at military intervent into its affairs. The Texas Rangers with the support of First Texas Infantry will be more than able to brush aside any Englisher adveturism.

    REMEMBER GOLIAD, REMEMBER THE ALAMO, REMEMBER SAN jACINTO!!! COME AND TAKE IT!!!!

    MAJ Mike

  11. In the spirit of compromise, I suggest we give NY, NJ, MD and DC back to Great Britain.

    And threaten IL and CA with the same if they don’t get on board with the Second Amendment.

    In the meantime, MAJ Mike, I need a citizenship application for the Republic of Tejas.

  16. NSGT- Good!

    Suz- True!

    PH- True that!!!

    DB- point!

    WR- I’d be coming the next day!

    WSF- LOL 🙂

    Ed- Yeah, it’s kinda a 50-50 split!

    MC- Yeah that part wouldn’t work real well, matter of fact it didn’t work last time either!

    Les- All valid points! 🙂

    Mike- Good point, and Texas STILL wants payback…

    Rick- I’d throw in CA as a freebie…

    Fuzzy/Nancy- 😀

    Trail- You need to come back to the REAL America fairly soon…

    45er- Yeah, that is a good one!