FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though
unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our ” Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, No gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
PATTY
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.
Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as
dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #*%^ing Employees
DATE: December 5, 2012
RE: The #*%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
PATTY
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
And in other news, the craziness has started… sigh…
Rudolph nose and reindeer antlers??? Really???
You DON’T want to know what I’m gonna do when I get out of this outfit… You just DON’T…
Screw the PC bullshit. There is a Christmas party and if you wanna come be there. If you are offended, you are fired. Period!
Forwarded that to our HR Director.
Bah. Humbug.
I’m pretty much with Coffeypost on this one. You can’t please everyone, and will only make yourself crazy if you try.
Greatfully, the spirit of Christmas lives in the heart, not the company “Holiday Party”. Merry Christmas Sir, I truly pray for the best for you and all your followers.
Bill
I have honestly worked in more than one job that was like that. Thank goodness I am retired!!!
OMG ! That was the funniest thing I have read in a while! I had tears in my eyes…
Funny about the reindeer antlers on cars, my neighbor just did the same thing.. BAH HUMBUG!
I know that “Christmas Cheer” isn’t politically correct to imbibe at Christmas Parties either. But when has that stopped me?
“TO: All #*%^ing Employees
DATE: December 5, 2012
RE: The #*%^ing Holiday Party”
HIlarious.
Thank you, Sir, for reminding me why I left my job (screaming, and with what might be a permanent nervous tick, by the way) as a legal assistant to three labor/employment/litigation defense lawyers a couple years ago.
And I mean thank you in a GOOD way.
Patty should be fired for not being considerate to the other employees. I make this comment as I look around and roll my eyes in sarcasim from lack of nicotine.
Ahhh, that made me remember a few Christmas parties from decades past. I did work once with an Iranian who got mad and wouldn’t attend. A EE with a Master’s degree who couldn’t fix a thing.
It does remind me of how boring and PC Christmas parties at work have become. At my first job out of college, I ended up drinking grain alcohol punch and listening to an old machinist tell me how they filtered Sterno through French bread when he was driving for the Red Ball Express
Gerry
When I was the president of the Offciers Wives Club at Pendleton I was in charge of the Christmas/auction that was to raise funds for the scholarship program. We had a variety of entrees to choose from including chicken. I received the nastiest note from one of the general’s wives who was a vegetarian. She was appalled and disgusted that I was offering chicken as a choice.
Of course, I was in a panic because I thought I had just ruined my husband’s career.
If you want to know how it was resolved email me.
CP- LOL, works for me!
Ed- 🙂
WSF- Understood
Rev- Yep!
eia- Thanks!
JMD- THAT is bad… And congrats on being retired!
JUGM- Glad I could brighten your day!
LL- Bout the same time it stopped me… NEVER! 😀
Lacey- My daughter did the same, now a paramedic! 😀
Senior- You need a fix man… OR a good distraction!!! 🙂
Crucis- Yep, they’re out there!
Gerry- THAT had to be fun!
Agirl- Of course I do! 😛 You know me… LOL
To all the &%ucksticks and *%ckheads who hate Christmas:
I WANT you to WORK all the holidays, in order to be in keeping with your beliefs.
You assholes need to get to work. Me and the people here will be at home observing Christmas.
BZ
Yeah we’ve been through a mild version of that…
BZ- Oh yeah, but they’ll take it off too… sigh
PH- I feel for ya on that one!
Yeah…I’ve seen a few of those damn reindeer antlers on vehicles. What the hell? I mean, I love the season, but damn.
JR- Concur!