In honor of Mother’s Day…

The Next Survivor Series…
     Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
     Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food.
     Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of “pretend” bills with not enough money.
     In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
     Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time. Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they’re about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
     Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
     The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
     There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.
     Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.
     The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.
     Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
     Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.
     During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.
     They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
     He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.
     A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctors, each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
     They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better. They must have a loving age appropriate reply to, “You’re not the boss of me.”
     The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
     The last man wins only if…he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.
     If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years…eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mothers out there!!!


In honor of Mother’s Day… — 19 Comments

  1. ROTFL!!! Particularly apt since my son-in-law who has never taken care of baby by himself for more that 1.5 hours said something really stupid the other night. He gets the baby today. For as long as my daughter can figure errands to run. I suggested she take in a movie as well.

  2. Can’t I simply seek comfort in the first wave to hit Omaha Beach instead?

  3. I’ll wear a heavy red coat and stand in an open pasture with other men and let people shoot at me…please.

  4. Nice…
    Sent it to The Woman Who Knows Most Things, with a note about how sometimes we need to have our noses rubbed in it to appreciate the work involved in the job of “Mom”.


  5. Why do all that? Just get married… except for one thing left out, that is what women are for. Now you know why I’ve been called a mother so many times. (and I have never received a gift either)

  6. North- Ain’t that the truth!!!

    Opus- LOL, yep!

    PH- He’s gotta learn…

    Rev- True!

    LL- ALL of those might be preferable…

    Julie- Thought you’d enjoy that one!

    TBG- Good point!

    CP- LOL

    Tania- That’s great, and I know you’re proud of him!

  7. Awesome! My life to a “T” : ) The one TV in my family will be the nail in the coffin though for Senior…

  8. a cautionary note… Never trust anything that bleeds for five days in a row and doesn’t die.

  9. As much as I love & respect my dad, there’s no way in hell he could have ever pulled this all off. The one time my Mama was really sick & in the hospital, I was 6. She says I called her crying because “Daddy couldn’t make good ponytails”. If I remember correctly, he burned the toast every morning, too. Come to think of it, *I* can’t pull off the daily polished nails part. 😉

  10. I’ve done all that (well, not the part about wearing makeup and such. You can’t prove anything without witnesses) and lived to talk about it. When I was one year shy of retiring from the Navy, my wife was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia called simply “acute leukemia”. 6 days after she was diagnosed, she died. And I was now a single parent of a 3 year old daughter and 1 year old son. Just 3 days before my ship was scheduled to leave for a Med deployment. The term “busier than a one legged man in a a** kicking contest” doesn’t even begin to describe what it’s like. So it’s been 20 years, my kids are grown. Now, they don’t want to leave home. I did too good of a job. Oh well.

    Old AW
    VP-56, VP-30, USS Carl Vinson, ASWOC Keflavik, VX-1, USS Saratoga

      • It’s very possible that we have crossed paths. Here’s a more detailed breakdown of my career in ASW.

        75-79 VP-56 NAS Jacksonville. Deployments to Keflavik, Sigonella, Keflavik, Bermuda.

        79-81 VP-30 Acoustic Sensor in flight instructor.

        81-84 USS Carl Vinson ASMOD. First deployment was around the world.

        84-85 ASWOC Keflavik, Iceland analysis dept.

        85-90 VX-1 NAS Patuxent River.

        90-91 ASWOC Keflavik again (Gotta have my USO fish fry)

        91-93 USS Saratoga ASMOD

        93-94 NAS Jacksonville Family Service Center till retirement in July 94.

        Ray Bliss