I had this whole rant post written, and decided you know what, I’m tired of posting about the crap going on today…

Soooo…

You get humor instead…

HELLO, OPERATOR, ANOTHER CHAPTER OF “THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!!

Actual call center conversations!

Customer:     ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?’
Operator:      ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer:     ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator:      ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

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Samsung Electronics

Caller:          ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller:          ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall  socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator:      ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller:         ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?’

Operator:    ‘Does the policy name give you a clue?’

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
‘If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’

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Directory Enquiries

Caller:       ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is      correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:             ‘Yes.. That’s what it says on the label –Woven in Scotland …’

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’

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Tech Support:      ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer:             ‘OK..’
Tech Support:      ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No.’
Tech Support:      ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No.’
Tech Support:      ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’

Customer:            ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’

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Tech Support:      ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’

Customer:             ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’

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Caller:  ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I

need it.  So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my

file back again?’

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This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department………….. 

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller:              ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect .’
Operator:         ‘What sort of trouble?’
Caller:              ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words               went away.’
Operator:         ‘Went away?’
Caller:              ‘They disappeared’
Operator:         ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller:              ‘Nothing.’
Operator:         ‘Nothing??’
Caller:              ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator:         ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’
Caller:              ‘How do I tell?’
Operator:        ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’
Caller:              ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator:         ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller:              ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator:         ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?’
Caller:              ‘What’s a monitor?’
Operator:         ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’
Caller:               ‘I don’t know.’
Operator:          ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’

Caller:              ‘Yes, I think so.’
Opera tor:         ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall..
Caller:              ‘Yes, it is.’
Operator:         ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just  one? ‘
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’

Caller:               ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator:          ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer..’

Caller:               ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator:          ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is?’
Caller:               ‘No…’
Operator:          ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?’

Caller:               ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator:          ‘Dark?’
Caller:               ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.’
Operator:         ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller:              ‘I can’t..’
Operator:         ‘No? Why not?’
Caller:              ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator:         ‘A power …. A power failure?  Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?’

Caller:              ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..’
Operator:         ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’

Caller:              ‘Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator:         ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller:               ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’
Operator:          ‘Tell them you’re too damned stupid to  own a computer!’

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And one more…

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late.. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.

They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once… He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in..

Your loving daughter,
Alice