Net humor…

Posted on by March 28, 2016

ARIZONA 101: HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX

  1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS’. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course.
  2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
  3. The minimum acceptable minimum speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.
  4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
  5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
  6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
  7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
  8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes checking out and/or feeding on any of the above items.
  9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the ‘I-10’ are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn’t become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.
  10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know their tyrn signal has been accidentally activated.
  11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, you could be shot.
  12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear leather welding glove or a minimum of potholders on your hands.

(you realize of course this is intended as humor… but most of it is true, and applies in Texas too!)

h/t JP

Comments

Net humor… — 17 Comments

  1. Net humor: The laughs that are left after subtracting overhead and expenses.

  3. Alaska driving, while having its own distinct hazards, moose and bears, and congestion between Anchorage and The Valley, is usually far less congested … and less entertaining to write about. But we have to wear gloves to avoid frostbite from -20° steering wheels. 🙂

  4. All true, alas. I’ve been flipped off and screamed at for only going 70 in a 65 – in the right lane.

    Get a terrycloth steering wheel cover, your hands will be puddles of sweat if wearing gloves in the summer.

    • I never bothered with gloves and terrycloth seemed too tacky looking. I just learned to drive with two fingers. Eventually my fingertips got calloused enough not to feel the heat. And side benefit- I can flip food on the grill without a spatula or tongs.

  5. SR 202 / Red Mountain Freeway is also the San Tan freeway depending on whether you’re north or south of the 60.

  7. You are right about that. I enjoyed the visits to Phoenix and the golf courses, but the traffic and people and heat kill me. I loved the gardens, fresh food, farmers markets, and such and I have near and dear friends there, BUT-One of those places I don’t have to visit or live at again because been there done that.

  8. (… applies in Texas too … ) yeah, pretty much, especially in the larger cities like San Antonio, Dallas and Houston. I lived in San Antonio for a little over a year, and though I loved the surrounding rurals, Rush Hour was like hell to me. Nothing like a bullfighter’s heart and a beat up vehicle to tell the world you are 1st, law be damned !

  9. (… applies in Texas too … ) yeah, pretty much, especially in the larger cities like San Antonio, Dallas and Houston. I lived in San Antonio for a little over a year, and though I loved the surrounding rurals, Rush Hour was like hell to me. Nothing like a bullfighter’s heart and a beat up vehicle to tell the world you are 1st, law be damned !

    You have an awesome weekend.

  10. Hmm, sounds ‘interesting’ – I’ll quote from a column I wrote once upon a time: “If you are doing 65 in a 55 and you are the slowest car on the road, you might be in Maryland, or selected parts of Northern Virginia.” Anyone who has had the privilege of driving in the DC Metro area will comprehend.
    As to the ‘snide’ comment regarding San Antonio, I’ve been living here post retirement for 5+ years, all of the time lost due to traffic in that time wouldn’t make a week in DC. ’nuff said.

  13. DAMN! And I thought that south Florida was bad. Well, south Florida IS bad. I’m thinking that Feenix has got SF beat.

  16. Texas
    What stop sign?
    If shoulders weren’t meant for passing, they wouldn’t put them there.