Humor…

Tired of the BS in the news, so you get humor… 🙂

The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football, or baseball.  It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.  Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don’t even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?  The following truisms may shed some light:

Golfers don’t have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don’t kick dirt on, or throw bottles at other people.

Professional golfers are paid in diret proportion to how well they play.

Golfers don’t hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player’s deal.

Professional golfers don’t demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.

The PGA raises more money for charity in one year than the NFL does in two years.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25-$35.

Even in the nose-bleed section, a ticket to the Super Bowl will cost you over $300—or $1000 from a scalper.

Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.

Golf doesn’t have free agency.  In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you.  In his prime, Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read “Leave Me Alone”.

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

At a golf tournament (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadia and arenas), you won’t hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you’re hoping that no one spills beer on you.

Golf courses don’t ruin the neighborhood.

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     Here’s a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.  Why do golf courses have 18 holes, not 20 or 10 or an even dozen?

     During discussion among the club’s membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch.  By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out!

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      During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.  He described a typical day: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and took four leaks behind big trees.”

     Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You sound like one heck of an outdoors man!”

     ”Nah, he replied, I’m just a $#!++y golfer.”

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      My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”

     I said, “It is all under control.  It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”       

     “Can you do me a favor?” he asked.    

     I said, “Of course, what is it?”

     “Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the foursome behind you.”

Enjoy!!! Spring is just around the corner (and down the street, and…)

Comments

Humor… — 25 Comments

  1. I’m fortunate enough to be acquainted with a professional golfer. He plays on the Champions tour now. We got to see him play the back nine at Pebble Beach a few years ago. Great guy and great sport.

  2. Love the jokes. But I could go on and on about golfers. I am not one. I do like to golf once or twice a year. And yes, the Range Master hates me. I always have them up my behiny. I can’t help it that my balls like the trees. I thought the news was quite good today. Lots of juicy stuff. However, I did not like this week’s tragedies of mass shootings and terrorist attacks. Grr. Can’t we take them all out already? I know, I know. We take one out, another jumps in to replace in about 5 seconds.

  3. I’m not a golfer, but I have been invited occasionally to play golf. I go in, get a bucket of range balls and take them on the course (because I loose them). I don’t own clubs so get those crappy rentals – a driver, a 9 iron, sand wedge and a putter. Holding my bucket of range balls and my rented clubs, I walk up to the course marshal and ask where the first tee is and what the course record is.

    The only place I really like to play golf is at those courses along the Colorado River (by Laughlin, Nv) because I can fire off the range balls at the boats going past. It’s actually more fun than traditional golf. And when the foursome behind me starts firing off balls up near me because I’m slow (aiming at the boats), I’ve been known to take their balls and smack them at boats too. Serious golfers aren’t amused, but when you golf while that big S&W 460 magnum is in the holster, you get treated politely.

    That’s all I have to say on the subject. Carry on, no need to salute again. I’ll be in the area all day.

  4. Pa was once (or twice…) a local TV station cameraman.. the one thing he truly hated about the job was called golf. The only time I recall him ever saying anything positive about golf involved having courses over old landfills or dumps, thus making the land better looking but not risking anyone else (ala Love Canal).

    I never got the appeal, until I realized it was a little about the time outdoors and such… and that any business or political discussions would be carefully unrecorded.

  5. As Twain wrote, Golf is a good walk ruined.

    I say it takes a lot of balls to play golf like I do.

  6. All- Thanks for the comments, and yes, it IS a good walk spoiled, or a misuse of a perfectly good firing range… LOL

    Posted from my iPhone.

  7. Hey Old NFO;

    I never started thinking of golf, I have enough expensive hobbies…like shooting..LOL. I do think of this when Golf is mentioned…

    https://youtu.be/pEig1D4sJdI

    I am trying several formats to see which one works on your blog 😉

  8. It wouldn’t let me embed anything….this was Tim Conway “Dorf on Golf…that is the youtube link

  9. Flew into Thermopolis, WY. Sign on ramp says “Not responsible for windscreen if you park facing this direction.” Because the little golf course and the airport share the same mesa. That was quite an interesting place. The airport cafe is the restaurant at the club house.

  10. Why is it called ‘golf?’

    Because ‘****’ and ‘****’ and ‘****’ and ‘****’ were already taken.

    Asterisks used in place of letters because this is a nice place to hang out.

  11. I’ve played about 4 games of golf in my life and I think I’ve pared one hole. Didn’t take me long to realize that I could shoot skeet and call pull and shoot at the clay. If I hit it, great. If I didn’t, I didn’t have to chase it down and either bring it back or throw it in the air and try to shoot it again.

    Best game of golf was flying Cobra Ball from Shemya to Hickam and having the crew decide on a game of one club. Had the Nav call ahead and get us a tee time. Only time I ever played golf in the dark under lights. Hilarious that the Pilot was the first to tee off and shanked it right and squarely hit the light pole and his ball ended up behind the tee.

  12. All- Thanks! And yes, I do play ‘flog’ on most occasions. RHT- That video… WOW!

    Posted from my iPhone.

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  15. Ok, here’s my golf joke.

    Bob lives with his wife in a retirement community. His health is excellent and he is in great shape for his age, and loves to play golf. His problem is that he is very near sighted. He really needs someone along who can help spot the long drives.

    One fine day, it seems that all his golfing buddies are busy elsewhere, at which point Bob’s wife suggests that he invite Fred.
    “What do you mean, invite Fred? He’s in a wheelchair.” says Bob.
    “I know” says his wife. “But he’d love to get out, and besides, he has eyes like an eagle”.

    Bob thinks it over, and decides to go for it. He picks up Fred and his wheelchair and off they go to the links.

    Bob lines up his first shot and just crushes it off the tee down the fairway. “Wow!” says Fred. “You really smoked that one!”

    Bob–“Did you see where it went?” asks Bob.
    Fred–“Yup, sure did.” says Fred.
    Bob–“Well, where is it?”
    Fred–“I don’t remember.”

  16. Hi Old NFO,
    Here’s my kick.
    ‘Skydived at a lot of DZ’s (Drop Zones) all over the U.S. Get in the plane and take off for a dive… Usually within a mile or sometimes less, we fly over a “Golf Course!!” now, “Picture if you will” we in the airplane looking down at those Golfers and them looking up at us and in the middle is the “Thought Bubble”… it says,”Look at those idiots!! Ruining a perfectly good Saturday afternoon!!!!!”
    Blue Skyz, Black Death!!!!’
    USPA B-4240, C-3114, D-6009,… SCR 2034, SCS 680 “Member in good standing of ‘AIR TRASH!!!!!!!!!'”
    skybill-out