All Puns Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof … fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much … but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says … “I’ll serve you … but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar … and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm … and says: “A beer please … and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc … I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well … It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly … “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day … but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted … “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs! “The doctor replied, “I know … I amputated your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel..

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says … “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly … so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank … proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel … and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour … the manager came out of the office … and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked … as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins … and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt … and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain … they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later …
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture … she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds … “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan … you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi … as you know … walked barefoot most of the time … which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little … which made him rather frail and with his odd diet … he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh … man … this is so bad … it’s good) … a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf … who was a mystic … escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.