Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

If you can’t think of a word, simply say, “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

My goal for 2023 was to lose 10 pounds.  Only have 14 to go.

Ate salad for dinner.  Mostly croutons and tomatoes.  Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese.  FINE, it was a pizza . . . OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now?

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school?  Yeah, me neither.

I may not be that funny, or athletic, or good looking, or smart, or talented.  Uh – – where was I going with that thought?

I love being 86. I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older.  This is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate a helicopter either.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: “Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

Me: “To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.”

Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So remember, don’t sing!

Here’s a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread, and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.