Astrology to start your week…

ASTROLOGY FOR SOUTHERNERS WHAT’S Y’ALL’S SIGN?

Okra     Dec 22 – Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence.  An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies

Chitlin     Jan 21 – Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds.  Many times they’re uncomfortable talking about just where they came from.  A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has plenty of seasoning.  When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful.  Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess.  Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around. No, not with a Moon Pie.

Boll Weevil     Feb 20-Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity.  You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger.  Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, not even a Moon Pie, so don’t worry about it.

Moon Pie     Mar 21-April 20

You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.  It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here.  You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.  It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics.  Maybe not.

Possum    APR 21 – May 21

When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it-attitude.  Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you.  One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over. No room in your life for Moon Pies.

Crawfish     May 22 – June 21

Crawfish is a water sign.  If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler.  Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very very good heads.  Keep a distance from Moon Pies.

Collards     June 22-July 23

Collards have a genius for communication.  They love to get in the”melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them.  Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers.  As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish     July 24 – Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers, may cause problems for loved ones.  You catfish are never easy people to understand.  You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits     Aug 24 – Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.  You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.  You love to travel, though so maybe you should think about joining a club.  Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs.  If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts     Sept 24 – Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best-your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear.   You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.  On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Bean     October 24 – Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.  You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.  You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting.  You can sit next to anybody.  However, you too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo     Nov 23 – Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle.  A good evening for you?  Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects.  You are a throwback.  You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and  trends.  You’re not concerned with anything about today.  You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility. Stay away from Moon Pies.

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Another Horoscope

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony.  You’ll be asked to knock it off.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Later this week you’ll feel much like Scarlet O’Hara did, when she said, “I’ll never be hungry again!”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you.  Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine?  That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet.  And stop taking them for granted!  For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them?  Do it today!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up.  I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today will be especially trying, and if you’re not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind.  Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”.  Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Libra (September 22 – October 22)

You’re about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies “dour”.  The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child.  Just ignore them, if you can. If you can’t ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ve got to learn to slow down.  You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy.  Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent.  Eventually, you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call “Bubba-Bonics”.

Y’all have a good week, ya hear?