Mondaze humor…

Some of y’all will see this…

NEWS FROM THE YEAR 2059

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
  • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language in the USA.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 100 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
  • The Last Castro finally died at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for president in 2060.
  • Postal Service raises the price of first-class stamps to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. and life expectancy is now at 57.2 yrs.
  • 85-year $375.8 billion study: Diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.
  • Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for a third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
  • Abortion clinics are now available in every high school in the United States.
  • Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR, even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open Tuesdays and Fridays.
  • Massachusetts executes the last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • A Couple Finally Achieved Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous headaches.
  • Average NBA player is now eight feet seven inches tall, with only 5 illegitimate children.
  • New federal law requires that all assault weapons, i.e.; nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.
  • IRS sets the lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
  • DOJ, FBI, CIA, NSA, IRS, DNC, NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN, and NPR  are still searching for something that will posthumously convict Donald J. Trump.

I love this country. It’s The Government That Scares Me!

From the mouths of babes…

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mommy that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. It read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents…..’

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone….’Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, she’s hitting the bottle.

MORE  NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

POLICE #  1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted

by a little girl about 6 years old.  Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a policeman?”

“Yes” I answered and continued writing the report.

“My mother said if I ever needed help I should as the policeman. Is that right?” “Why yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well then…..” she said as she extended her foot toward me, …..”would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE  #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I use to take my 4 old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5 year old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.’(I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found” the boy called out.

“What have you got there dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered,

“I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

I don’t write ’em, I just send ’em on recycled electrons… 🙂 Enjoy your week!

Comments

Mondaze humor… — 5 Comments

  1. Lol, a lot of new ones here. Thanks for linking / writing them to share. Gonna be a long day …