Golf funnies…
Posted at a golf club in Scotland..
- BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
- FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
- KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
- STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
- TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
- IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
- DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
- QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
- DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE… NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
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Golf Quotes
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool… ~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino
Fred and his wife live in a retirement community. Fred is in excellent health and physically fit. He has always been an avid golfer. However, he is also near-sighted, and age hasn’t helped.
A day comes when all of his usual golf buddies can’t make it. Fred is in a funk when his wife says “Why don’t you take your friend Roger?”.
Fred is taken aback. “Roger!? Roger is in a wheelchair!”
“Exactly” his wife replies. “He doesn’t get out much, he’d love to go, and besides he’s got eyes like an eagle”. Fred mulls this over and decides she just may be on to something. Arrangements are made and Fred and Roger head off to the links.
They come up to the first tee, Fred tees up and drives his first shot. “Wow!” says Roger. “You really got a hold of that one, and right down the middle too!” Fred grins, gets in the cart, and they head down the fairway. Fred asks “OK, where is it?”
Roger replies “I don’t remember”.
RHT- Sigh… Good one!