Hollywood Squares?
My mother and grandmother ‘loved’ watching that show and laughing at the nonsensical answers usually given by Paul Lynde. Here is a bit of Lynde’s version of humor in response to Peter Marshall, the show’s host.
Peter Marshall: “Eddie Fisher recently said, ‘I am sorry. I am sorry for them both.’ Who was he referring to?”
Paul Lynde: “His fans.”
Marshall: “According to Tony Randall, ‘Every woman I’ve been intimate with in my life has been…’ what?”
Lynde: “Bitterly disappointed.”
Marshall: “Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?”
Lynde: “Gee, I don’t remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn’t buy their cookies.”
Marshall: “Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?”
Lynde: “No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.”
Marshall: “Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell ‘Man overboard!’ What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?”
Lynde: “Full speed ahead!”
Marshall: “What are ‘dual-purpose cattle’ good for that other cattle aren’t?”
Lynde: “They give milk… and cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.”
Marshall: “Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?”
Lynde: “Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.”
Marshall: “According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?”
Lynde: “11.”
Marshall: “What’s the one thing you should never do in bed?”
Lynde: “Point and laugh!”
Marshall: “In ‘The Wizard Of Oz’, the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?”
Lynde: “He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.”
Marshall: “In the Shakespearean play ‘King Lear,’ King Lear had three of them – Goneril, Cordelia, and Regan? Who were they?”
Lynde: “King Lear had Goneril?”
Marshall: “Paul, everyone knows the first verse: What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?”
Lynde : [singing] “Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early in the morning.” [audience laughs] “How disgusting… that poor sailor!”
Marshall: “True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?”
Lynde: “From ONE midnight ride?”
Marshall: “Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn’t be able to do my job. What was it?”
Lynde: “Let’s see… toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?”
Marshall: “Now cut that out!”
Lynde: “Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?”
You don’t see that kind of humor anymore… for better or worse…
I watched a lot of Hollywood Squares episodes back in the day. I can still hear the voices of all the regulars as they bantered back and forth.
Hey Old NFO,
I remember all those episides, and you could have a ribald sense of humor and even be “light on the loafers” and nobody cared, it was all fun, people had a sense of humor before lefties and the cancel culture and the gatekeepers got involved. May a pox on their houses.
Highlighting how much people have changed…
I lived down the street from Peter Marshall in Woodland Hills, CA. when I was a kid. He had the only house on our otherwise typical neighborhood street that had a wall around it. I never met him but his wife was nice. Always watched the show. Paul Lynde was the best. Yes, obviously gay, but didn’t make it all that he was.
I love the wit. But now I have to go research how many children Paul Revere had. Sixteen is a lot. I’m guessing not, but I will report back…
And yes, it’s true. He had eight with his first wife who died at 37. Paul remarried five months later and had another eight children with his second wife.
Great show, funny for both children and adults.
Now, The Newly-Wed Game was definitely, for its time, not for kids. So many funny but very sexually charged jokes.
And, yes, can’t do that on TV anymore. Instead we have Jerry Springerish talk shows, various Judge Wassername shows and such that are as nasty but without the class.
I mean, The Gong Show was funnier and cleanly nastier than modern TV, which is just about being nasty.
All- Thanks, and yes, different humor. Tuvela thanks! I didn’t know that…
Ann Marie and Charles Nelson Reilly were another pair who were good for zingers on the Squares.
The game shows like Password were also a trove of double entendres.
Rick- And Charlie Weaver! 🙂
thanks for the smile/memories
It’s a rat race out there…and the rats are winning.
I didn’t appreciate all the great stuff we had, the funny people, not nearly enough. So much of life was getting Better, I didn’t think for a second that the day would come when there was No late night TV I would like, and the humor of people like Lynde would be no more. Owell,, I got to see America before it went ,well,,
I loved the last one. I watched Hollywood Squares a lot and didn’t understand a lot. But it was terrifically funny. I kind of miss it, but hey, I don’t watch tv anymore
Perhaps I should be embarrassed to admit that after all those years, I still remember enough to be instantly sure what the “right” answer to the first question was. Debbie Reynolds and Elizabeth Taylor, Eddie Fisher’s first two ex-wives.
I’m not sure why Fisher would have felt sorry for Reynolds beyond her recovery from his dumping her for a sexier and crazier woman, but IMHO, when Taylor met Richard Burton on the set of _Cleopatra_ and fell deeply and helplessly in lust – I was only 10 years old, not yet interested in girls, but even I could see that on the screen – she began the process that turned her into a monumental wreck. You have to feel sorry for her or hate her, and Fisher seems to have been wise enough to give up any hate he felt.