To start the week…
Christmas Cookie Recipe
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
2 cup flour
pinch of lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal
Sample the Crown Royal to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Crown Royal again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again.
At this point it’s best to make sure the Crown Royal is still OK, try another cup, just in case.
Turn off the mixer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of fried fruit and flour….Pick the frigging fruit off floor….
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver.
Sample the Crown Royal to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something…. who giveshz a sheet !?!?
Check the Crown Royal.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts…
Add one table. Add a spoon of ar, or somefink…. whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the bottle of Crown Royal.
Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher !!
Cherry Mistmas !!
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HOLIDAY EATING TIPS (as if anyone needs them since we just finished Thanksgiving!!!)
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. if something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple,Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!
Mom made a delicious white fruitcake (basically a pound cake with nuts and candied fruit) Never had any left over after a party. Zillions of calories and yes only available during the holidays.
Fruitcake? Depends on the recipe. The fruitcake my mother made was wonderful. I sure do miss it.
NRW/Jim- Yeah, I have a family recipe for one of those too… Mine never comes out like hers did…sigh
Off topic and not funny–when I click on Lawdog Files, I get account suspended message. Pressed for time right now, fruitcake and dope dog story later.
Late getting back here, but as promised–
Fresh out of Small Arms Repair School (Aberdeen Proving Grounds) my buddy and I were assigned to the 156th Maintenance Co at Pinder Barracks in West Germany in late summer 1974. We had been in the unit about six months when this event happened.
One fine morning with the company standing formation, we were informed that we were to have a “Health and Welfare” inspection (not the first time). Right. What it meant was that they were going to sweep the barracks with a dope dog. No one was allowed to go back in the barracks. If the dog alerted on your locker, you would be called in to unlock your locker and be present while they inspected the contents.
At the time, if someone had made a list of the personnel in my barracks starting with the likely dope smokers at the top, my buddy and I would have been right at the bottom. So, many eyebrows went up (including my buddy’s) when my name was called.
The dope dog that day was a young German Sheppard who was bouncing around at the end of his leash, just tickled to death to see everyone. So, what did he alert on in my locker?
Yeah, it was the tinned fruitcake I had received by mail for Christmas a few months back. I never heard whether any of the pot heads picked up on the idea.
Folks always ask “Who the hell eats fruitcake? Who do they make it for?”
It’s me & folks like me. I love fruitcake.
Umm, OK!
Good one.
RHT- Argument with his ‘lifetime’ provider that cut him off. It’s in work.
TB- Yep!
Tree- LOL
Thanks for the update on Lawdog.
Commercial fruitcake is best for dieting while backpacking. No preparation needed, and you get an amazing number of servings!
Grandma made an incredible fruitcake. Dad said the secret was soaking it in brandy before sealing it.
AS our work-crews went around headquarters we noted dates and locations of office parties, Jimmy, crew supervisor, cross referenced info with incoming work orders to pair them with party times.
We’d show up just as the parties would start … “Oh, we can come back tomorrow. Don’t want to bother your party. A plate? Well, just a little. Thankyouverymuch.” Wasn’t unusual to put on 5-10 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.
Your Christmas Cookie Recipe reminded me of my brothers Roasted Goat on a Spit Recipe: his recipe and cooking instructions included a case of beer, a goat, and a pile of oak firewood.