To start the week…
I have kleptomania, But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you’re naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It’s all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It’s all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah… Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, Tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist With a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, But at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore, I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people, Fifteen last names.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)
When you work here, You can name your own salary. I named mine, “Fred”.
Money isn’t everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion, that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”
Don’t sweat the petty things. Don’t pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
And remember…
Your inspirational message for Monday is…Don’t piss off the guy with 5000 acres and a backhoe!
Hey Old NFO,
I thought it was “Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole Ostrich…..” Or was that a different book…..LOL
Bob- Either or…LOL
NFO: thanks for the funnies.
RE Kentucky: I just spent the weekend in KY and out of 50 people I met, at least 15 had the same last name. Of course, it WAS a combined family reunion and 90th birthday party. Good times.
R.e. pissing off people with acreage – don’t piss off anyone with several square miles of empty Nevada desert as their back yard, there’s plenty of abandoned mine shafts. Pro-tip: Dump the body, dump a dead animal (preferably pig) on top of that. Most important – plant endangered species plants around the top so it cannot be excavated.
Re: 15 last names in Kentucky, Lac St-Jean, PQ would like a “[h]old my bière” moment. You can omit da h-aitch, if you know the dialect.
I grew up in a French-Canadian family in New England. My dad was 1st generation but he studied college in Quebec City and met the woman who became my mom, and she lived for around 40 years in the US on a green card. For Christmas and New Years, it was a round-robin as to whose house would host the family get-togethers. On some years the we’d split holidays, and it was “Stationwagons, Ho” (RIP Erma Bombeck) and a caravan of cars would drive over the border a few days after Christmas for New Years. Some of my aunts, uncles & cousins lived around Lac St-Jean which is three hours north of Quebec City.
One year shortly after I was old enough to drive and seasoned enough for winter driving (Mom learned to drive in serious winters in Noranda where she grew up) – they let me drive the wagon full of 4 sedans worth of luggage (rear seats folded down, etc.) and as I crossed out of Highgate Springs VT into Canadian Customs (St. Armand) the customs officer asked me where in Canada I was headed. When I named the town, he asked me “Gagnon ou Tremblay?” (‘ou’ = ‘or’) and I told him my cousins’ surname.
Hours later we arrived and I tell my uncles what happened and they busted out laughing and pulled out a quarter-inch thick phone book, including the yellow pages. With names, you started with “A” and after about 2 pages you hit the first “Gagnon” for well over a dozen pages. Then about 5 more pages and you hit the first “Tremblay” with a similar dozen or more pages, then about 2 pages for everyone who was a Saint-So-and-So, and then about a page and a half and you were done.
Also re: Kentucky, for a few years we lived across the river in Indiana, and those are *Eastern* Kentucky jokes. The west side of the state is wealthy, ladies-and-gentlemen horse-folk. A couple I remember:
Q: What has five arms, five legs, and 19 teeth?
A: The night crew at the Waffle House.
Q:How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Eastern Kentucky?
A: Because if they’d invented it anywhjere else, they’d have called it a TEETH-brush.
If one is dreaming about using the restroom, that person should wake up before anything happens.
All- Good ones! And agreed Grog!!!
Really enjoyed the humor today, thanks!
GFW- Good!