To start the week…
Pilots vs. control towers…
British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower: ‘And where is the world’s most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?’
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ATC: “Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango – check for workers along taxiway.”
Al Italia 345: “Roger, Taxi 26 Left via Tango. Workers checked – all are working”
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Nova 851: “Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.”
Halifax Terminal (female): “Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.”
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Lost student pilot: “Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself.”
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Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes SIR!
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Frankfurt Control: ‘AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.’
Pilot: ‘Roger, Frankfurt. We’re bringing this big bird back to 130 fer ya.’
Control: (a few moments later): ‘AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.’
Pilot: ‘AF 33 reining this here bird back further to 110 knots.’
Control: ‘AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots’
Pilot (miffed): ‘Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?’
Control: ‘No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.’
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ATC: ‘Cessna 123, what are your intentions?
Cessna: ‘To get my Commercial Pilot’s License and Instrument Rating.’
ATC: ‘I meant in the next five minutes, not years.’
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Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh . . . Approach, we’re a single ship.
Controller: Oh . . . oh, shit! You have traffic!
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O’Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O’Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
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ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
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Cessna 152: ‘Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred’
Controller: ‘Roger, contact Houston Space Center.’
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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it’s OK. He’s not hungry.
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Student Pilot: ‘I’m lost; I’m over a big lake and heading toward the big “E”.
Controller: ‘Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.’ (short pause)…
Controller: ‘Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big “W” immediately…’
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Pilot: ‘Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000′ and 40 DME.’
Approach: ‘Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000′.’
Pilot: ‘Approach, 202’s unable to make that descent rate.’
Approach: ‘What’s the matter 202? Don’t you have speed brakes?’
Pilot: ‘Yup. But they’re for my mistakes, not yours.’
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Tower: ‘American 123, and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.’
American 123: ‘That’s correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right.’
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Controller: ‘USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: ‘USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!’ (pause)
Controller: ‘USA353 you’re just like my wife you never listen!’
Pilot: ‘Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you’d get a better response!’
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BB: ‘Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.’
Bay Approach: ‘Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.’
BB: ‘Because the last two times I’ve been at 8500, I’ve nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!’
Bay Approach: ‘That’s a good reason. 8300 approved.’
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Controller: ‘FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?’
French pilot: ‘A 340, of course!’
Controller: ‘Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?’
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Tower: ‘Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.’
Pilot: ‘Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…’
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Foreign Pilot Trainee: ‘Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit.’
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Controller: ‘CRX600, are you on course to SUL?’
Pilot: ‘More or less.’
Controller: ‘So proceed a little bit more to SUL.’
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Pilot: ‘Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.’
Tower: ‘KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.’
Pilot: ‘Please confirm: two hours delay?’
Tower: ‘Affirmative.’
Pilot: ‘In that case, cancel the good morning!’
Never put 100% of your ground controller. Back in the stone-age of aviation (mid 1970’s) A VP-16 P-3C was trying to land at Sigonella, Sicily after a long patrol over the Mediterranean. Bad weather and fog made it impossible to do a visual approach, so the plane was turned over to the Ground Controlled Approach center. Those are the guys that sit in the nice comfy chairs occasionally looking at their radar screens to see if you are still flying. Anyway, the GCA controller droned on “on glide slope, on course” every 15 seconds or so. Everything sounded hunky dory for the moment. But when the P-3 finally broke through the clouds and fog, the pilot realized he was well short of the runway. He yanked back on the yoke as the wheels barely touched down in a muddy field and did a “pre-runway touch and go” as he hopped over the approach lights then finally landed on the runway. The GCA controller had brought the plane down 200 feet short of the runway. Sigonella was such a fun place in the 70’s. (Actual details my vary due to age and a feeble mind)
I had to read a couple of them twice before I got it. But, eventually, I got it!
Ray- Oh yeah… sigh… Sig… We landed on the runway in the rain just ‘before’ the runway lights went out (again)… before…
Pat- LOL
Guilty.
“Tower, Cessna xxxxx on final for Runway 12.”
“Cessna xxxxx, you are trying to land at an Air Force base. Try coming North fifteen miles and land on Runway 18”.
WSF- LOL
I think Ray’s GCA controller got chewed out for that one, because when the 737 we were on got below the cloud bank coming in to Sigonella we were way too high. I didn’t know that a 737 could side slip like we did.