Surviving Thanksgiving, with a twist…


How to survive Thanksgiving at your liberal relatives…

by Joel B. Pollak 

As a public service to our readers, and as a gesture towards civility in our national discourse, we offer the following how-to-guide for surviving Thanksgiving dinner at the home of your triumphant liberal relatives:

Arrival. “Your home looks lovely. Almost like it’s worth what you paid for it. Obama didn’t help with that yet, did he? Oh, well, maybe next term. May I use your bathroom?” 

In the unlikely event that your host’s home has appreciated in value, use this introduction instead: “Love what you’ve done with it. Better dump it before the new year, though, or you might face that new Obamacare tax.” (Wait until after dinner to make a lowball offer.) 

Greetings. “Oh, grandma, I’m so sorry about what Obama did to your Medicare. I tried to stop him.” 

“Little Johnny, all grown up. Still looking for a job? Oh. There’s always grad school, you know. I hear Obama will pay your student loans.” 

“Jane, you look amazing! I bet you’re the reason Obama promised free contraception.” 

“Hey, kids, let’s watch some football. Whatever team Obama picked, that’s the one that’s going to lose. Ask Detroit.”

Grace. “I’m thankful that the war on women is finally over, and you accepted a racist like me back into your midst.” 

“I’m thankful for Elizabeth Warren. Now that we have a Native American in the Senate, we can celebrate without feeling guilty anymore.” 

“I’d like to take a moment to remember those four brave Americans who lost their lives because of an anti-Islamic video.” 

“Blessed be Obama, from whom we enjoy this bountiful harvest.”

Meal. “No turkey for me, thanks. The poultry industry is a major contributor to global warming, and I can’t eat meat without thinking about how I caused Hurricane Sandy.” 

“I’m not having cranberry sauce, either. So many of our cranberries today are imported from Poland, and they supported Mitt Romney, you know.” 

“Have some more pumpkin pie, please. I promise not to tell Michelle Obama.” 

“What, no more Twinkies this year?” 

Departure. “I can’t believe it’s time to go already. Four hours and $600 million in national debt just flew by.” 

“Gan en jie kuai le! That’s Happy Thanksgiving in Chinese. Might as well start learning.” 

“Why don’t you come to our place next year. Seeing as how your taxes are going up in a few weeks, it’s only fair.” 

“Sorry I parked you in. Oh, darn, I drove the Chevy Volt today. You wouldn’t have an extension cord, would you?” 

Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who have to suffer through the holiday with liberal relatives ~ May I suggest a little Wild Turkey for the occasion?

Pretty good ones as far as I’m concerned… use as necessary! 🙂

Comments

Surviving Thanksgiving, with a twist… — 16 Comments

  1. I guess I’m too much of a threat for liberal relatives. If they are, they don’t say anything and they don’t want me to know.

    I can understand that. I wouldn’t want to piss me off either.

  2. I’m sure that I’ll use at least three, but at the moment, I’m not sure which three.

  3. There’s only one liberal in my family; I guess there’s always one. And she’s a .gov employee, so I’m never sure if she means it, or just says it to mouth the Party line.

    What the heck: I’ll use it anyway. Happy Thanksgiving, sir!

  4. Thanks for a smile. Dad is happily in place at a female cousin who lives up in the mountains between Reno and Chester in a big log home she built and is probably cooking him a home cooked meal right now. Her Dad died in his 40’s so she is a daughter to my Dad and he spents Nov and Dec. there. I can’t get there with the roads and weather but I know he is having a wonderful time.

    For me, I volunteered to work to relieve one of the newbies who has “on call”.

    Hope you have a wonderful day.

  5. I’ve taken to saying “At least your vagina is safe.” when complaints start. That’s usually good for a “Sexist!” or “That’s not fair!”

  6. All- Thanks and I wish each of you a safe and Happy Thanksgiving, wherever you may be!

    Posted from my iPhone.

  7. I appreciate the help, but I’ve never been at a loss for words with liberals.
    Have you ever noticed (rhetorical question) how every argument with a liberal ends with them attacking you as a person?
    Happy Thanksgiving.

  8. Ed- yeah, interesting how that works isn’t it 🙂

    CP- You’re welcome!

    Six- And to you and yours sir!

  9. “Aren’t you happy? You’re gonna get health care with all the compassion of the IRS and the efficiency of FEMA, just like you wanted!”

    Hey, have a great Thanksgiving, NFO. We’re feeding Oleg, so my problem will be reminding all the men to wash the lead, cosmoline, and dirt off their hands before sitting down to supper. What a problem to have!