The Department of Defense (DoD) is proud to announce a new fleet of Class 69 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships USS Daring and USS Dauntless, The Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Congress, renamed them USS Cautious and USS Prudent.

The next five ships are to be USS Empathy, USS Circumspect, USS Nervous, USS Timorous and USS Apologist.  Costing $850 million each they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights laws.

The U.S. Navy fully expects any future enemy to be decent and to comply with the same high standards of our behavior.
The viewer friendly stacks will be painted in the “gay pride” colors.  Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.  Stress counselors and lawyers will be on board, as will a union representative for each of the trades on board.

The crew will be 50%/50% men and women and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 40 hours per week as per union rules on working hours, time and a half for overtime and double time on Sundays and holidays, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward and a gay disco.  Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by “Hi Sailor”.

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages.  Crew members will now have permission to grow beards and/or mustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

A majority of Senators have suggested a “non-specific” flag because the current “Stars and Stripes” may offend some Nations during port calls.

The newly re-named USS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by muslim cleric from the Washington DC Mosque who will detonate a small explosive device near the hull.

As she will gently slide into the sea the Marines Corp Band will play “In the Navy” by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on the East coast.

The President said, “Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from the U.N.”  His final words were, “I told you there would be “CHANGE!”

Really not too far from the truth… dammit…

h/t JP