Controllers vs. Pilots

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower: ‘And where is the world’s most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?’

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ATC: “Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango – check for workers along taxiway.”

Al  Italia 345: “Roger, Taxi 26 Left via Tango. Workers checked – all are working”

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Nova  851: “Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.”

Halifax Terminal (female): “Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.”

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Tower:  Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot:  Yes.

Tower:  Yes what?

Pilot:  Yes SIR!

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Frankfurt Control: ‘AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.’

Pilot: ‘Roger, Frankfurt. We’re bringing this big bird back to 130 fer ya.’

Control:  (a few moments later): ‘AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.’

Pilot: ‘AF 33 reining this here bird back further to 110 knots.’

Control: ‘AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots’

Pilot (miffed): ‘Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?’

Control: ‘No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.’

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Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh . . . Approach, we’re a single ship.

Controller:  Oh . . . oh, s**t!  You have traffic!

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O’Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that  speed?

O’Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

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ATC:  Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC:  Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019

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Cessna 152: ‘Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred’

Controller: ‘Roger, contact Houston Space Center.’

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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC:  Yeah, it’s OK. He’s not hungry.

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Student Pilot: ‘I’m lost; I’m over a big lake and heading toward the big “E”.

Controller: ‘Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.’ (short pause)…

Controller: ‘Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big “W” immediately…’

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Pilot: ‘Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000′ and 40 DME.’

Approach:  ‘Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000′.’

Pilot:  ‘Approach, 202’s unable to make that descent rate.’

Approach:  ‘What’s the matter 202? Don’t you have speed brakes?’

Pilot: ‘Yup. But they’re for my mistakes, not yours.’

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Tower:  ‘American 123, and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.’

American 123:  ‘That’s correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right.’

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Controller: ‘USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60.  (pause)

Controller: ‘USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!’  (pause)

Controller: ‘USA353 you’re just like my wife you never listen!’

Pilot: ‘Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you’d get a better response!’

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BB: ‘Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.’

Bay Approach: ‘Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.’

BB:  ‘Because the last two times I’ve been at 8500, I’ve nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!’

Bay Approach: ‘That’s a good reason. 8300 approved.’

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Controller: ‘FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?’

French pilot:  ‘A 340, of course!’

Controller: ‘Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute,  please?’

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Controller: ‘CRX600, are you on course to SUL?’

Pilot: ‘More or less.’

Controller: ‘So proceed a little bit more to SUL.’

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Pilot: ‘Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.’

Tower: ‘KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.’

Pilot:  ‘Please confirm: two hours delay?’

Tower:  ‘Affirmative.’

Pilot:  ‘In that case, cancel the good morning!’

h/t JP