Husar’s Laws, part 9…

Posted on by February 17, 2015
  • 99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Definition of a teenager – God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  • The 50-50 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  • Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.
  • God gave you toes for finding things in the dark.
  • When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  • Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  • As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
  • The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
  • They say money doesn’t bring you happiness…I say neither does being broke.
  • It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life.
  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
  • There comes a time in every project that we must shoot the engineer and move on with progress.
  • Never pay in advance.
  • Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player lies well.
  • A driving range is a place where golfers go to get all the good shots out of their system.

Comments

Husar’s Laws, part 9… — 19 Comments

  1. Ha. The teenager thing is right on the money and I would add double that if you are getting paybacks for some other deeds in life. Mine is really, really ornery. Does that mean I had a LOT of sex? Or am I getting paybacks for all the headaches I caused my parents? Never pay in advance is not always going to work in my business. On that one street corner, it’s payment up front. 😉

  2. Mack’s corollary to golf:
    When having a bad day shooting I wish I was golfing.
    When having a bad day golfing I wish I was shooting.

  3. As a lawyer myself, I am indignant! Indignant I say!

    Here, have a laugh;

    As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”
    ________________

    What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
    Taller.
    _____________________

    A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

    As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

    ‘That’s unfair!’ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.’

    ‘Shut up,’ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

    ‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?’

  4. There comes a time in every project that we must shoot the engineer and move on with progress.

    That one needs to be carved in marble.

    • Maybe; but I’ve known a few engineers I’d rather have carved the words on their forehead; backwards and told them to go buy a mirror.

  5. The 50/50 90% rule is more like 99.9 % when plugging in USBs or two prong plugs.

    John in Philly

  6. Fargo- LOL, not touching that one! 🙂

    SPE- That too!

    Bian- LOL, good ones!

    LL- True!!!

    John- I live with that one every damn day…

  7. And when you find a set of good batteries for the flashlight, then you find out that the bulb is busted, and after replacing that, the switch is bad. Thank you oh evil Military Flashlight contracting fairygodmother.

    c-90

  8. The two other great lies:
    a) Nothing will change after the merger, and
    b) the check is in the mail. Honest!

  9. Hey Old NFO;

    Those things are getting better and better….I might start publishing lawyer jokes…

  11. Lawyer jokes, eh? Here’s a few of my favorites:

    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

    Timesheets. (Alternative answer: the lawyer has removable wingtips)

    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

    Generally, the prostitute will not f#%& you after you’re dead.

  12. Brian- I think you’re in that 1% of good ones… 🙂

    Chris- LOL, thanks! I actually hadn’t heard the first one!

  13. lol – Thank you. Enjoyed it!
    I always tell others – damn the lawyers. I know too many, and am one. So I know. Talking every kid that wants to go to law school out of it that I can. 🙂