On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me … I had no idea I was Japanese.
When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say: “Oh, my God, it’s huge!”
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to office.
If we got one-tenth of what was promised us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
If you want a real friend that you can trust in Washington – get a dog.
If you don’t swear while driving then you’re not paying attention to the road at all.
If at first you don’t succeed.. try doing it the way your wife told you.
You’re never childless when you have a husband.
If there’s a bar where everybody knows your name you’re probably an alcoholic.
If we’re not to have midnight snacks … why is there a light in the refrigerator?
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Sometimes I drink a glass of water just to surprise my liver.
Childhood is like being drunk; everyone remembers what you did except you.
I’m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone.
I can’t wait until I’m old enough to pretend I can’t hear.