This one came over the transom from the mil-email string…

THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN STAR TREK

-The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
-The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
-The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
-Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.
-The Enterprise visits the Klingon home world on a bright, sunny day.
-The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.
-An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful “would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant”.
-The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
-Picard hears the door chime and doesn’t bother to say “Come”.
-The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
-Picard doesn’t answer a suggestion with “Make it so”.
-The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
-Picard walks up to the replicator and says “Coke on ice”.
-An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it doesn’t know the password.
-Kirk doesn’t get into a fistfight.
-Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn’t rip his shirt.
-A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
-Worf actually gives another vessel more than two seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise’s hails.
-The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
-The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
-Kirk doesn’t end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn’t sacrifice herself for him.
-The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise” where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
-When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says “On screen”.
-A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
-Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into an expletive-laden stand-up comedy routine.
-The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
-Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flash and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
-Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
-Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn’t explode or crash on an isolated planet.
-Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
-Mood rings come back in style, jeopardising Counsellor Troi’s position.
-The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
-The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
-Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a know-it-all little wanker, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
-The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay.
-Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
-The transporter is actually able to lock on to someone’s signal when they’re in danger.
-Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
-Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck.
-A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.
-Data falls in love with the replicator.
-A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.
-The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
-Kirk meets a woman whom he’s known for years but never had sex with.
-Kirk says “Uhura, I’m frightened”.
-Kirk gets court-martialled for violating the Prime Directive.
-An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
-An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.
-Some patient of McCoy’s who’s NOT a central character lives.
-Scotty doesn’t mention the laws of physics.
-The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.
-A major character dies and isn’t resurrected.
-The episode ends without Bones and Kirk laughing at Spock’s inability to understand the joke and doesn’t raise his eyebrows.
-The mysterious giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.
-Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.
-A major character has a serious character flaw.
-A VIP visitor to the Enterprise is not a relative, lover or close friend of a major character.