Politics…

This ‘might’ not be a bad idea… 🙂

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Our new Prime Minister, who will replace David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

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3.  July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.   If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse. Nope, since we don’t have grouse…

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5.  Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. Umm… Scratch that one too…

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6.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.

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8.  You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9.  The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11.  You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12.  Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.  You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.

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14.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15.  Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Comments

Politics… — 25 Comments

  1. Not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all…

    The new PM — Theresa May — is a rather imposing lady.

    God Save the Queen!

  2. Putting ice in tea is an abomination. It must be served hot, with milk. (the controversy over whether you put the milk in the cup first or the tea still rages viciously so there is no official rule). The concept of “sweet tea” is also an abomination.

  3. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.

    Exactly. The human race progressed from caves to the moon without therapists and grief counselors. As to lawyers, the Clintons, John Edwards, and the Obamas are lawyers (though some have been disbarred, I forget which). Keep Ted Cruz and Trey Gowdy and cull the rest.

  4. Upon reflection, let’s scrap the whole idea. The U.K. is overrun with Muslims, has extremely high taxes, and penalizes those who defend themselves. Our ahem “leaders” have been trying to make U.S. like Europe for far too long, to our collective detriment. How ’bout the Patriots take over England?
    Although building some British pubs here wouldn’t be a bad idea. Just sayin’.

  5. Hey Old NFO;

    Britain is more jacked than we are….Their jurisprudence support the criminal much more than the victim..be the criminal of the local type or the immigrant type…

  6. All- Thanks, and yeah probably just bring the pubs here, and some high teas for LL… 🙂 Still enjoying time with family.

    Posted from my iPhone.

  7. We’ll keep playing American Football in North Dakota and become a land locked international oil power. But we’ll accept the Beer.

  8. Number 11 is so true. Many years ago, talking to a member of Florids finest, I mentioned that my then 12 year old son played rugby. His reply was ‘You let something THAT SIZE play THAT game?’. I fully expected to be arrested on the spot.

  9. “Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.”

    This is the truest statement in the whole list.

    Pip, pip. Bravo and all that.

  10. as we say in Texas,,,Molon Labe,,or in English, “come and take it”.

    If the negros want to riot, best not to do it in the rural parts here.
    Stay in Dallas.

  11. God Save the Queen.
    There are several very true points there; especially regarding rugby and beer.
    On a serious note, if you actually polled the Brexit voters, you would find that those who voted to leave (successfully thank God) are almost certainly those who support the monarchy. The Queen has little fondness for Europe. The Commonwealth is an entirely different animal.

  12. Ha! Come and take ’em you nancies! Turns around and leaves singing, “Yankee Doodle Dandy.”
    leaperman

  13. Dang! When I first saw the title, I thought it was gonna be a message from queen hillary admitting that she should have been indicted and was withdrawing from the presidential race.
    She was then gonna endorse the Donald for Prez.
    (I really should stay away from my neighbors mushrooms)

  14. I don’t speak the Queen’s English very well, but I do know a couple words of Greek” Molon Labe.

  15. I’d assent to those rules, with one proviso: the Queen allows us real ale to drink. You know, the stuff that’s chilled to 50 degrees, non-carbonated, and requires a busty wench to pull it from the cask. Not the foamy stuff that comes pressurized and must be near freezing to have a decent taste.

  16. Nope. Not gonna happen. Between my Scots-Irish ancestors, and my Cherokee ancestors, they’d all come back to haunt me if I rolled over for this one. Of course, if the Brits want it back, they’re welcome to try; nothing stopping them but good sense.

  17. What I posted on the book of feces on July 4th seems equally appropriate:

    BUCKINGHAM PALACE. OFFICIAL.

    TODAY HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN ISSUED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT.

    On August 24th, 1814 units of the British Army , in conjunction with the Royal Marines, came ashore in the American State of Maryland, and proceeded to capture the American Capital of Washington D.C. Once in possession of the city, as a legitimate reprisal under the laws of war, Our forces proceeded to set afire every public building in the city, including both the White House and the Congressional Chambers; sparing only the Patent Office, in the name of scientific advancement.

    “Given that the bicentennial of these events has recently passed, I would like to take this opportunity to assure the citizens of the United States that, in light of the deep and permanent ties that have since arisen between our two nations, it would be quite impossible for Our Armed Forces to again burn all of the governmental offices in Washington D.C. and certainly not while they are occupied.

    So please stop asking.

    Thank you.

    H.M. Elizabeth II.

  18. Don’t think this took the first time. If it did apologies for the Dupe.

    What I posted on the book of Feces for July 4th seems appropriate to this:

    BUCKINGHAM PALACE. OFFICIAL.

    TODAY HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN ISSUED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT.

    On August 24th, 1814 units of the British Army , in conjunction with the Royal Marines, came ashore in the American State of Maryland, and proceeded to capture the American Capital of Washington D.C. Once in possession of the city, as a legitimate reprisal under the laws of war, Our forces proceeded to set afire every public building in the city, including both the White House and the Congressional Chambers; sparing only the Patent Office, in the name of scientific advancement.

    “Given that the bicentennial of these events has recently passed, I would like to take this opportunity to assure the citizens of the United States that, in light of the deep and permanent ties that have since arisen between our two nations, it would be quite impossible for Our Armed Forces to again burn all of the governmental offices in Washington D.C. and certainly not while they are occupied.

    So please stop asking.

    Thank you.

    H.M. Elizabeth II.