It’s almost time…

To hit the golf course…

These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades.  True golfers should understand the words layed out here.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.  This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever.  The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.  Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.  If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.  The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive.  If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group.  Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent—or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.”  Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

I’m head down in editing, WHICH I HATE, so commenting will be light and so will posting this week… Grrrr…


It’s almost time… — 12 Comments

  1. Hey Old NFO;

    Those are good, that is also why I never took up golf, I have enough expensive hobbies as it is LOL. Wonder if there is one for shooters…

  2. Yes, editing is a drag, but the end product always looks so nice!! And when it’s done, you can replenish your coffee fund from the proceeds.

    Waiting patiently to contribute to the coffee fund…or maybe it’s the drink bill by now. 🙂

  3. Good stuff and all true. Although, the most amazing shot I ever witnessed involved a good friend who skulled an easy chip onto the green. It went scooting across the green at warp speed went up a very conveniently placed and precisely curved tree and dropped neatly on the green not 5 feet from the cup. This shot was balanced out by the scramble tournament I played in where I got as close as I ever will to a hole in one. Tee shot on a par 3 landed within inches of the cup. The entire foursome missed the putt. Whiskey might have contributed to the poor aim.

  4. The safest place to be on a golf course during a lightning storm is striding down the center of the fairway holding a 1-iron up in the air. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

  5. Law 8 is wrong – just try topping a 1 iron, especially in the winter.

  6. DH- ROTF… Yep, those things ‘happen’…

    Kinnison- Nope, ask Lee Trevino, he was holding one, and God got it… 🙂

    Ed- 🙂

    BF- I don’t even KNOW anybody that has a 1 iron! 🙂

    TOS- Nope… not a bit… sigh

    • OldNfo, you do now :). On a links course it’s often a better choice for keeping the ball low. It just needs a LOT of practice.

  7. So I’m 14, carrying the bag on the West Orange, NJ, public course where you’d swear there should be mountain goats. Highest spot on the course and a thunder storm rolls in. Lightning hitting across the valley,my golfer wants to keep going. I leave the bag under a tree and get down under some bushes. At the end of 9 he doesn’t want to pay me for the round. Until the caddie master tells him of his chances to play there again. (Earlier that summer my father walked away from the 3 others in his group, just before they were knocked down.) I think at least one in Trevino’s group was killed.