* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* Don’t take life too seriously: You’re not getting out alive, anyway.

* I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

* So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!

* Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.

* I need someone really bad… Are you really bad?

* To all you virgins…. thanks for nothing.

* I’m not a complete idiot: Some parts are missing.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* My kid had sex with your honor student.

* If something goes without saying, LET IT!

* Help wanted telepathy:  you know where to apply.

* Jesus paid for our sins… Now, lets get our money’s worth!

* I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ. Want it?

* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather .. Not screaming and  yelling like the passengers in his car.

* God loves stupid people. That’s why he made so many.

* I said “NO” to drugs… but they just WOULDN’T listen.

* I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals.

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like The IRS.

* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

* When there’s a Will, I want to be in it!

* If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Time is the best teacher Unfortunately it kills all its students!

* Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

* Warning: Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.

* Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling so marvelous myself.

* Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

* Very funny, Scotty… Now beam down my clothes!

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.


Bumpersnickers… — 15 Comments

  1. Keep honking…I’m reloading!

    Keep working, millions on welfare depend on you!

  2. God Bless Everyone, No Exceptions….according to their merits!

    Hi! I’m Dread Pirate Roberts #1348. Ask me about franchise opportunities!

    Want me to drive even slower? Make me nervous!

    Bad Driver! Give me some room!

  3. three of my favorites (*though only half of them are funny)

    “Better to be thought a fool, and remain silent
    Than to open your mouth and remove all doubt”

    “Physical Laws of nature can NOT be repealed with
    Social Legislation”

    “Your actions speak so loud,
    I can’t hear a word you are saying”

    MSG Grumpy

  4. Another one

    “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalks”

    MSG Grumpy

  5. Another…

    “Scotty, beam me up!
    There is no intelligent life on this planet!

  6. For those Texans who know what an “Aggie” is…

    Two Aggies are walking down the Railroad tracks,
    One turns to the other and says…
    “Wow, this is a long staircase”
    The other one turns and says…
    “It’s not the staircase that I mind, it’s the low handrails”

    MSG Grumpy

  7. Being in a military career field that has a BIG population of Aggies (Weather). An enlisted that likes to tell Aggie jokes can be a danger to one’s professional development. This is the joke I would tell whenever I noticed that the Commander had stopped laughing politely at my other jokes…

    What do you call and Aggie five years after graduation?

    MSG Beck

  8. I’ve noticed that about the dates on the calendar, and they’re getting closer together as time goes on.

  9. “Whoosh – the sound deadlines make as they go past.”
    “The Post Office is a Cylon plot!” seen in the late 1980s.
    “Cthulu for president – why settle for the lesser evil?”

  10. Incorrigible Punster. Do Not Incorrige.

    Also have the button somewhere.

  11. The last one about six packs is gonna get real here in a month..

    All hail the triumphant return of NCAAF, the only reason I own a television!

    The rest are funny too

  12. So the Aggie is on the campus of the University of Texas where is going to enroll in grad school. He walks up to a young man and asks, “Can you tell me where the admin building is at?”

    The UT man sniffs and says, “I can see by your class ring you are an Aggie and I want you to know that here, in Austin at the University of Texas we never end a sentence with a preposition.”

    So the Aggie says, “Thank you, now can you please tell me where the Admin building is at, asshole.”