* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* Don’t take life too seriously: You’re not getting out alive, anyway.
* I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
* So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
* Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.
* I need someone really bad… Are you really bad?
* To all you virgins…. thanks for nothing.
* I’m not a complete idiot: Some parts are missing.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If something goes without saying, LET IT!
* Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.
* Jesus paid for our sins… Now, lets get our money’s worth!
* I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ. Want it?
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather .. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* God loves stupid people. That’s why he made so many.
* I said “NO” to drugs… but they just WOULDN’T listen.
* I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like The IRS.
* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
* When there’s a Will, I want to be in it!
* If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Time is the best teacher Unfortunately it kills all its students!
* Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
* Warning: Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.
* Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling so marvelous myself.
* Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny, Scotty… Now beam down my clothes!
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.