From the NYT

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Hope you enjoyed these… 🙂


Lexophiles… — 19 Comments

  1. The guy who pulled the wheels off of his bike for repair work, but didn’t finish the job because he was two tired.

  2. I had a dog once with no legs. Taking him for a walk was a real drag.

    But then the vet had some wooden legs made for him. Everything was fine until the house caught on fire, and the dog burned to the ground.

    It says in the Bible that Jesus cast 1000 demons into a herd of pigs, and they ran off a cliff. It was the first recorded case of the swine flu.

    I had a delivery job until one of my wheels went flat. They fired me because I told them I’d get a lot more done after I retired.

    I went to the dentist yesterday, but he wasn’t there. Some other guy was filling in for him.

    Two thieves stole a hot air balloon at the airport last week. But they didn’t get far because they had a falling out.

    I told my neighbor my Labrador will bring back ducks from a mile away. He thinks that’s far-fetched.

    Girls are generally taller than boys until about high school. After that, it’s neck and neck.

    A new guy with a wife and 12 kids moved in on our block. The neighborhood consensus is that his favorite game is poker.

  3. It says in the Bible that Jesus cast 1000 demons into a herd of pigs. That was the first recorded case of devil ham.

    Love lexophiles and a chuckle in the morning.

  4. John- No, just no… sigh…

    Rev- 🙂

    Jim- LOL

    Aesop- Good ones!

    CP- LOL, good one too!

    Robert- Because we’re bored…LOL

    Rick- You’re welcome!

  5. What do you call a carpenter with no arms or legs? Stud

    • Nooooo!!!! Not no-limb jokes!!!!

      What do you call a man with no arms or legs in front of a door? Matt.

      …in a pile of leaves? Russle.

      …in a pool? Bob (hopefully…)

      My 4th grade class taught me the worse jokes…

          • …hanging on the wall with no tongue? Tasteless Art.
            …sitting in a pot? Stu.
            …in the spice rack? Herb.
            …with his friend next to him in the spice rack? Basil.
            …stuffed in the mailbox? Bill.
            …in a lion cage? Claude.
            …when you hold him under water? Duncan.
            …water skiing? Skip.
            …under the bed? Dusty.
            …under the car? Jack.
            …on the BBQ grill? Frank.
            …in the fireplace? Bernie.

  6. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

    My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high.

    Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged

    What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.