A little humor…

You’ll know yours is a Redneck Church If:

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

When the pastor says I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering. five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because it ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.

The choir is known as the OK Chorale.

Boone’s Farm Tickle Pink is the favorite wine for communion.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as branding.

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy.


And not real sure this is a joke or not…

A Few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on  Florida’s southeast coast.  We are living in the “Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee”. There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management; What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a  problem. Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5 am, have a  quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 am.  After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR.  I put on my ‘Ask me about my Grandchildren’ T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

Before we know it, it’s time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets.  All free! After a filling lunch, if we
don’t have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.

We’re usually back home by 2 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we’re late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day’s lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.

At 5:30 pm we’re home, ready to watch the 6 o’clock news. By 6:30 pm we’re fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it’s time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don’t mind.  Calling for test results also helps the days fly by.  It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor’s phone menu. Then there’s the hold time until we’re connected to the right party.  Sometimes they forget we’re holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help.  I myself am a volunteer for ‘The Vertically Challenged Over 80.’ I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor.  You should see the look of confidence on their faces
when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or ‘bottom feeders’ as we call them, because they can’t reach the items on the upper shelves.  There are many foods they’ve never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can’t remember where they parked their cars, and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it’s important to choose a development with an impressive name.  Italian names are very popular in Florida.  They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray’s Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There’s no difference. They’re both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you’re in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.


A little humor… — 16 Comments

  1. “You’ll know yours is a Redneck Church If:”

    They still worship our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

    They preach from the Bible.

    They feed hungry children in their own county, not some other continent.

    They still hold homosexuality as a sin.

    They don’t allow women to preach or hold positions of power over men.

    They fly the American flag, not one with rainbows on it.

    The service is held in English, with maybe a little Latin thrown in for flavor.

    When they pass the hat, it’s an actual hat.

    The service ends with, “Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. Let’s ride!”

  2. My folks just retired down to Florida. Not sure if I should pass that last one along to them…

  3. A fun way to start the weekend. And not really too far off in some of those South GA Baptist Churches.

  4. My friend Father Dave is a retired pastor in Florida. He sent me this list some time ago, and insists that every word is accurate.

  5. …If the choir and clergy plan for large numbers of absences the opening weekend of deer season.

    …If you have dedicated prayer teams for harvest and planting (mostly prayers for safety during harvest.)

    …If you have an annual all-you-can-eat game dinner as a fund-raiser.

    …If there are model combines, tractors, manure-spreaders, and other implements in the Children’s Department, donated by local implement dealers.

    Yes, former rural church member here.

  6. Since no one else mentioned it – the ‘best’ humor I could come up with was the morning that a bunch of us volunteer firefighters pagers went off simultaneously – we had enough for an entire engine company – biggest problem was whose car would we take to the station so as not to leave any families stranded.

  7. Thanks, NFO, I needed that.

    Kinda surprised to not see a “blessing of the animals”. It’s a real thang, er, thing.

  8. Gomez, those are the guys with special duty for the end of the live Nativity, at Feast of the Epiphany. But in light gear. Folks will remind you that the Three Wise Mencame from a fahr (fire).