Net humor…

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?  


Net humor… — 9 Comments

  1. Hey Old NFO;

    If I had a “Groan” emoji. I would have used it, LOL

    P.S Yay!! I am first 🙂

  2. #32: You can fall asleep on one with no trouble if you’re a tired would-be radiological technologist (yeah, pompous title, but we’d get chewed out if we called ourselves x-ray techs).

  3. I’ve picked up wisdom from the Net, but frequently it’s been the OPPOSITE of what is posted. However, in some rooms I am familiar with for a few 24 hours, I picked up these gems:

    “DENIAL: Don’t Even (k)Now I Am Lying.” (little spelling variation, there)
    “You’ve got a lot of degrees, and so does a thermometer, and you know where you put that.”
    “There are jerks and hypocrites in the grocery stores, but that doesn’t keep you from buying groceries.”
    “It’s a lot easier to pray ‘Thy will be done’ if you remember that it’s gonna be done whether you pray for it or not.”
    “Oh, no, here comes another friggin’ growth experience.”
    “If you keep on doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep on getting what you’re getting.”
    “Do the next right thing.”

    And a couple that are my own:
    It’s all a matter of attitude. Until the Sweet Meteor Of Death hits, and then it’s the altitude of the matter.
    No matter how good your marketing strategy, there’s just not a whole lot of demand for frozen cat urine on a stick.
    Feeling bad doesn’t mean doing bad.
    If you let the other guy determine the playing field, the players, and the rules, you will ALWAYS lose the game.
    Don’t call me chicken while you’re eating my eggs.

  4. Bob- LOL

    Robert- Maybe if you have a sleeping bag… sigh

    Gerry- Possibly!

    WSF- Workin’ on it!

    Pat- Good ones!!!