I got nuttin…

So you get humor…

CALLER: Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want.

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug
Rx Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

GOOGLE: I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service, and no one to watch me, or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.


“What did liberal Californians use to light their homes before candles?
Electric light bulbs!”



Pilots Philosophy…


The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life.  Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it’s ugly, it’s British.
If it’s weird, it’s French.
If it’s ugly and weird, it’s Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

What do air traffic controllers and pilots have in common?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto:
‘We’re not happy, till you’re not happy.’

If Air Traffic Control screws up, it’s called a “System Malfunction”, If a pilot screws up it’s called a “violation”.

If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter — it’s about to.

I give that landing a 9 . . On the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules: 
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
“You’ve got to land here son.  This is where the food is.”

The three best things in life are: 
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.

A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time…


I got nuttin… — 25 Comments

    • Helicopters don’t fly, they beat the air into submission. When that fails autorotation sometimes works.

      • Helicopters are a zillion pieces flying in very close formation, until they don’t.

        • “.,..around an oil leak” is how I’ve heard it.

  1. Some of those bear the unmistakable imprint of personal experience. We’re glad you survived them all.

  2. As a former ATC controller If ATC screws up it is still the pilot’s ultimate responsibility to choose to follow ATC Directions or not. We had some interesting things happen with the West German and British pilots not to mention the Air force when they chose to ignore our instructions no collision but a low approach at 10 feet AGL definitely gets the Field operations officer a little upset (British Sgt Pilot Allouette helicopter)

  3. Mack- DC-9s had a VERY small cockpit, which sometimes led to ‘arguments’ as to what was to be done, and who’s landing it was… LOL

    PE- Sigh… TRUE!

    NRW- And, they are 10000 parts ‘flying’ in loose formation…

    Rev- Some of them… 😀

    Sabre- Oh boy, I’ll bet you can!!! My ‘best’ one was east of Shreveport one day in a 172, putting along at 1200′, got a call about ‘closing traffic’ at my 90… And a @#$(%# BUFF went UNDER me… I turned around went back and landed, then went home and changed my shorts…

  4. Three things of no use to a pilot.

    1. Altitude above you.
    2. Runway behind you.
    3. Fuel on the ground.

    It is impolite to ask how one learns these things.

  5. Actually, liberal Californians light their homes with the untended brush they call ‘preservation of nature’, and blame electricity/climate/phase of the moon/planetary conjunction/aura/orgone contamination of the odic phase of the leyline when they no longer have homes because weather conditions are favorable to the spread of wildfires. It is like living in a one floor sunken house built on a ten year flood zone in New Orleans. You might be fine today, but are going to be unhappy eventually.

    “We haven’t had an inch of rain fall in one day for the past three months, but we did today, must be because we elected a Republican Governor.”

  6. Worst job in aviation: the flight engineer on a post-overhaul flight with senior pilots in the front two seats.

    Other dangerous people: An airline pilot in a Cessna 172*
    Two flight instructors in anything.

    *I thought it was a joke. I gave a field check-out to a captain from [redacted] Airlines. Oooooooohhhh boy. Among other quirks, he kept calling commands to the co-pilot. And then getting irked when nothing happened. (Hey, his wife and kids were not going to be doing that, so I wouldn’t.)

  7. A BUFF, the flying aluminum cow, went under you fast? Got to agree.

    Uh, there’s a chance that I know the pilot, one who’ll steal pole position. Given his love of high-end motorcycles …

  8. This high time helo pilot has to come to the defense of the machine I’ve flown for 51 years:
    Ask ANY dual-rated pilot whether he’d rather be in an airplane or helicopter when the damn thing malfunctions, and I can guarantee you what he/she will say!
    (And learning to fly helicopters will absolutely RUIN you for flying anything with a fixed wing.)

  9. Hey Old NFO;

    Those are pretty good and I have another stewardess joke for you….”Why do they have flight attendants on a flight…? You can’t get a coke cooler down the aisle…

  10. I always heard it was a “Surgeon in a Bonanza”. In my experience, the Dentist’s tended to get into race cars, not airplanes.

    • I was told to never fly/ride with doctors, lawyers, or preachers.

  11. All- Thanks for the comments… GB- I’ll defer to your expertise! 🙂

    Posted from my iPhone.