So you get humor…
CALLER: Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug
Rx Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE: I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service, and no one to watch me, or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
“What did liberal Californians use to light their homes before candles?
Electric light bulbs!”
The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.
A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.
Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.
It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.
The three most dangerous things in aviation:
A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
Two captains in a DC-9.
If it’s ugly, it’s British.
If it’s weird, it’s French.
If it’s ugly and weird, it’s Russian.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.
What do air traffic controllers and pilots have in common?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.
New FAA motto:
‘We’re not happy, till you’re not happy.’
If Air Traffic Control screws up, it’s called a “System Malfunction”, If a pilot screws up it’s called a “violation”.
If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter — it’s about to.
I give that landing a 9 . . On the Richter scale.
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.
Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
“You’ve got to land here son. This is where the food is.”
The three best things in life are:
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time…