Aviation ‘humor’…

Pilots are people who drive airplanes for other people who can’t fly.

They invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.

The FAA Motto: We’re not happy till you’re not happy.

Fighter Pilots: Cold, steely eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad people and break things. However, they can also be very charming and personable. The average Fighter Pilot, despite sometimes having a swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don’t involve anyone else.

Words of Wisdom From Aviators:

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane; the pessimist, the parachute.

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins?

Death is just nature’s way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers and helicopters­ (in that order) ­need two.

There are only three things the copilot should ever say:

1. Nice landing, Sir.

2. I’ll buy the first round.

3. I’ll take the fat one.

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will:

a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.

b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.

There are Rules and there are Laws:

The Rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you.

Laws (of Physics) were ordained by God.

You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules, but you can never suspend the Laws.

About Rules:

a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don’t have a better idea and the talent to execute it.

b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don’t hit the bridge.)

Additional pilot & aircraft insights:

The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

Ever notice that the only experts who decree when the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot’s day is over, I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.

Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full; check T/O wt….

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.

The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.

“If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.” President, DELTA Airlines.

In the Alaskan bush I’d rather have a two-hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

It’s not that all airplane pilots are good-looking. It’s just that good-looking people seem more capable of flying airplanes.

An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

Airlines have really changed, now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

I’ve flown in both pilot seats, can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?

Son, you’re going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can’t do both.

There are only two types of aircraft­ – fighters and targets.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.

You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, and you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you’re grateful.

A good landing is one that you can walk away from….and excellent landing is one where you can reuse the airplane (OK-3 wire on the carrier).

Fighter pilots make movies, bomber pilots make history.


Aviation ‘humor’… — 21 Comments

  1. Some funny, some insightful, some fact. Great post – thanks for posting it.

    Finished BURNT ENDS last night – enjoyed it very much. Saved GREY MAN SOUTH for the last read. Enjoyed it very much.

  2. From a friend who’s a pilot, the probability that the engineer(s) will go on “auto rough” is directly proportional to the distance to the nearest shore when flying over water.

    Re Helicopters: Helicopters don’t fly they beat the air into submission. Sometimes the air wins.

  3. While reserving the right to poke fun at pilots, my 15 minutes at the controls of a small aircraft taught me that adding the up and down part makes flying a plane just crazy, it taught me that the movie “Airplane” didn’t exaggerate just how much you can sweat when you are concerned, (note: I wasn’t panicked, I was concerned) and even though I thought I was shrieking like a little girl, it turned out that the sounds I was making were so high pitched that they were beyond the range of human ears. (dogs on the ground below our flight path were probably looking to the sky and saying, “What the heck is that noise?”)

    Good points.

  4. All I can say is, I’ve NEVER crashed my missile launch control capsules. They were all bottomed out.

  5. As (another) missileer, I have a few questions:
    Air breather? How does that work outside the atmosphere? It doesn’t, you stay there? The atmosphere is full of drag! Also mountains…

  6. “A good landing is one that you can walk away from….and excellent landing is one where you can reuse the airplane (OK-3 wire on the carrier).”

    I still say that that means that only Jesus can land a flying boat well.

    • Nope. However, reciting the lyrics in the airport café might get you invited to eat elsewhere. Or so I’ve been told.

  7. I thought one of the things a wingman was allowed to say was “Lead, you’re on fire.”

  8. I’ll take humor in almost any form. Thanks for the funnies, ONFO.

    OK-3 wire: saw one part once. The Green Shirts made some mighty fancy dance moves levitating up out of the wire’s path.

    Pro-tip: if you grab the starboard wingtip of a Cessna 150 and give a healthy shove up, it’s best to first make sure the pilot isn’t standing under the port wingtip.

    Serious question: What would happen if the aforementioned 150 had taken off without the idiot (me) rocking the wing and causing avgas to come spilling out of the tank ’cause SOMEBODY didn’t put the damn cap back on after the FBO fueled us up?

    • What?!? You spilled toxic petroleum upon Mother Gaia! Heretic! Barbarian! Heathen!

      Your penance is to dig a pit 4 feet around and below any evidence of the spill, double bag the soil, transport it carefully to the nearest processing facility, and then pay to have the soil decontaminated properly!

      Oh, I do so wish this were a joke. The punchline was that we were soldiers in newly liberated Kosovo, and “explained” to the idiotic EPA inspector that A) this wasn’t the USA, so he had no powers here, B) every military vehicle ever made leaked oil, C) we couldn’t burn off the spill because it was pouring rain (which caused the minute spill) D) if he really wanted to get his blood pressure up, he could go a few miles up the road and check out the still smoldering tank farm, and E) we had guns and he didn’t.

  9. Robert- You’d have been out of gas rather shortly… Venturi effect would have sucked the gas out, which would have then sucked for you!

    McC- ROTF, figures!!! That was well done on y’all’s part though!

  10. ONFO: Thanks for that cheery scenario 🙂

    I don’t know if the 150 has a “left, right, both” valve (or even if it had two tanks). If so, I would hope it was set to “both” so as to do an out-of-fuel landing on the level. Better than saying “Gosh, we seem to be banking to one side more and more”. I’m not a pilot, obviously.

  11. Former Ordie here. Heard a good one from our CO at a squadron party, kind of like fatherly advice:

    “The most useless things in the world are the runway you’ve already used, the fuel you’ve already burned, and the altitude and airspeed you’ve already lost…”

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