A little humor…

Posted on by August 9, 2020

To start the week…

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation, “Maybe next time,” isn’t 
the correct response.
 
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “life in prison” 
is a deterrent.
 
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, “Their 
cornbread ain’t done in the middle.”
 
Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
 
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. …… she 
said yes, all the others were nines and tens…
 
I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
 
It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
 
I miss the 90’s, when bread was still good for you and no one knew 
what kale was.
 
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That 
can’t be accurate.”
 
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
 
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m 
sure of… it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
 
I thought getting old would take longer.
 
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they 
make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the 
fight started!

Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore… I’m not going to 
let you hurt me again.”
Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test… same, same.

Comments

A little humor… — 17 Comments

  1. Why yes, pretty much all of them.

    I understand that if you cook kale in coconut oil it makes it easy to slide the kale directly from your plate into the garbage.

    Why is quinoa pronounced “keen-waa”? If that pronunciation is correct, then I’ve been saying “quickly” very wrong for all my life.

  2. Oh, I REALLY love the one about the trainer and the sit-up! I might try that one tomorrow with my physical therapist.

    Ummmm….and the week before last, I voluntarily added kale to some bean stew I make, on the advice of the Produce Manager at Publix. It wasn’t BAD, exactly, but it was …different. (Other ingredients included 2 pounds of pinto beans, 1 pound of cubed ham, one pound of thin-sliced pork belly, one pound of baby carrots, one pound of celery, one diced medium onion, one diced bell pepper, one large (pressed) garlic bulb; Accent & pepper; six cups of water. Cooked in pressure cooker for two ‘bean’ cycles. Serve as is, or over rice or noodles.)

      • $HOUSEMATE claims Collard green are good eatin’.

        To me, they look like the stuff in the lawn that isn’t grass, clover, or dandelions. That is, weeds.

    • Kale is what real food won’t eat.

      I’ve seen cows and pigs not eat that stuff. Which should tell you everything you need to know about it.

      • I am NOT food (well, I suppose *eventually* for fungi…) but having sample Kale a time or three, I have NO great urge to try it again.

        Even “iceberg lettuce” which is just badly packaged water, is more appealing.

  3. I shall add “Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.” to my repertoire. My favorite is “They ain’t wrapped tight enough.”

    • Judy – I was thinking more along the lines that the cornbread was burnt on the outside as well as not done in the middle………………..

  4. #3. There are a whole host of slope-headed idiots who don’t realize how right that one is. Grrrr.

    #4. I’ve also heard, “Someone forgot to put the rising in his brain.” That’s a really esoteric statement in this modern age.

    Thank you for the humor. We all need it.

  5. Read this, and read it very carefully!
    If Joe Biden chose Kamala Harris as his Vice President, and may God forbid it, but if he wins.. .and if crazy Joe cannot serve his full term, amd that’s the way that it looks right now. Them Kamala Harris cannot by constitutional law become President. She is an anchor baby, mother is from India, father is Jamaican, and neither were american citizens at time of her birth.
    That means the Presidency would fall in the direction of the Speaker of the house. Nancy Pelosi, who would be next in line to become President. THAT in itself is reason to vote HER OUT in November, and NOT to vote for Joe Binden for President. .
    Democrats have worked the whole scenario out and I believe that is why they chose Kamala Harris. Voter fraud is in the works to get Nancy Pelosi as President.
    Cast your votes carefully in November, VOTE for Donald TRUMP as our President, or USA will become a third world !

    • Robert – more than a good reason to NOT vote for slow joe – regardless of who he er um the party picks for his running mate.
      Plus – ‘princess’ has to win (likely grr) and be (s)elected as speaker again.
      As to eligibility NEVER forget we had 8 long years of barky……………..

  6. All- Thanks for the comments. Agree on Kale… THAT is an abomination. Collards, with bacon and peppersauce are excellent!

    Posted from my iPhone.

  8. Can anyone taste the just barely not toxic levels of some alkaloid?

    Then it must be ‘healthy’ for you.