A little humor…

We all need that right now…

                        The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”  I whispered back,                              “Bring pizza.”

Having  plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor:   Your wife says you never buy her flowers.  Is that true?

Him:  To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So remember…Don’t sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.  So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies.  Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?

I  don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…

 I  see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster noun:  the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in:  “That’s a load of 2020.”  or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.


Comments

A little humor… — 17 Comments

  1. Thanks for the chuckles sir, many of them reflect my actual Life and behaviors. Especially the age / pain issues – I didn’t know there was physical pain involved in rolling out of bed but now I do !

  2. Good ones

    I want a mute button to silence the creaking and cracking noises my body makes when I get up from the floor.
    And when did I start making those little grunting noises that accompany getting up crouching down?
    The young folks call them “Old People Noises.”

    • Wait. You want to silence the only proof you actually have that you are still alive?

      My wife is still amazed that when I get out of bed, it sounds like somebody stepping on a pile of crackers. Me? My feet have been making that noise since I was 10 years old.

      The positive aspect of creaks and cracks… All the ghost shows don’t talk about ghosts with ghostly arthritis, so therefore I am not a ghost, or any other version of the undead, yet.

      • My digestive system is increasingly capable of supplying an amazing variety of sounds. 🙂

  3. One can, it turns out, refrain from making “old people noises” if you focus. That has been one of my life goals for the past couple years. Like anything, it just requires practice.

  4. The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
    I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

    Ok, so she shows up naked (draped with a coat) holding a pizza and a sixpack. What do you do?

    If you’re Navy, you invite the devil in.

    • The Air Force would demand that the beer is cold.
      The Army would question what toppings were on the pizza.
      The Marine Corps would ask for two six-packs.
      The FBI would demand that a boy come the next time.

  5. Not saying that the therapist saying ‘wow’ is applicable, but when the doctor was wondering why my wife had a blow-out upstairs and he listened to me describe our life and my life he did ask why I wasn’t the one with an aneurysm.

    The one time I went to a therapist, due to the above incident, the therapist kept saying, “We’ll get to that.” It became a broken record. Come to think of it, I think she quit after that. Whoo. Achievement unlocked – break a therapist – wonder what special treasure I got from that, oh, that’s right, a bill. Whooo…

  6. A couple to add to the list:

    My Grandaddy was bald practically from ear to ear. He told me that was because his brains started growing again and pushed the hair out from the roots. I will stick to that for my baldness!

    There was an old man who every morning woke up and threw his legs over the bed to the floor. There was noise and pain involved in doing that. Then one morning he did his normal routine but there was no noise or pain. He blurt out “Oh my God, I must be dead!” His wife intoned “You’re not dead yet.”

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