A right and a wrong way…
Oil Change instructions for Women :
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $ 1.00
Total: $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store, and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) Jack car up.
7) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8) Place drain pan under engine.
9) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
10) Give up and use crescent wrench.
11) Unscrew drain plug.
12) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
13) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
14) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
16) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
17) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
18) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
19) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
20) Remember drain plug from step 11.
21) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
22) Drink beer.
23) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
24) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
25) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
26) Begin cussing fit.
27) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
28) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
29) Beer.
30) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
31) Beer.
32) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
33) Beer.
34) Lower car from jack stands.
35) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
36) Beer.
37) Test drive car.
38) Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
39) Car gets impounded.
40) Call loving wife, make bail.
41) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $ 50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Of course the wife may have a ‘few’ issues… Just sayin…
It is possible I have to hand in my man card, but I’ve always done it the female way. Latterly it’s been part of the dealership service package which makes it “free” – i.e. I already paid for it so I might as well get my value for money
Funny and true both.
There’s something to be said about letting a pro who does the thing on a daily basis handle that thing so you can go do your own stuff. The time saved is worth it.
It’s a trade-off. Be a sissy and let Jiffy-Lube do it, and then take the money saved to buy more ammo. Of course the wife will understand and accept your logic.
On newer cars, it’s a real PITA to get enough purchase to take the filter off, or have room to get to the drain plug. Disposal, plus the cost of ‘synthetic’ oils with all the additives … argh, it’s just easier to have someone do it.
35a) Move car back to apply more Kitty Litter and drive over waste oil pan. Apply more throttle …
And yes, I’ve seen this happen
Good one!
‘course the alternative ain’t foolproof, either. A friend of mine took it to the do-it-for-you place once. Came home with a minor oil leak and a cross-threaded oil plug necessitating the replacement of the oil pan in his Thunderbird.
I guess I’m just too redneck to farm out that job.
Similar story-
My best friend left Jiffy Lube with his M3 BMW and heard a “clunk” as he was driving away. Noticed a puddle of oil ‘neath his car when he parked. Investigating, he found the “clunk” sound he heard was the drain plug divorcing the oil pan.
Short distance home… no damage to the engine.
But he does his own oil changes now.
I’m with Don. Jiffy Lube ain’t coming anywhere near my vehicles. If I were to farm it out, it would be to a local family owned business that I know is competent.
+1: the monkeys are incompetent and use cheap crappy oil, like Penzoil or Quaker State. Not just my opinion! A friend who worked at a Jiffy Lube type place said those two oils were the first to get dirty and clump up. No thank you!
A local, known competent family-owned business is totally different-just wish we had some…
I have done my own oil changes for the last 42 years. While Old NFO did write a humorous post, my oil changes are nothing like that guy’s. I have everyting I need on the shelf long before its time to get it done, and the proper tools at the ready. Oil disposal is free and easy at my town transfer station, where I have to go once a week anyway. When I had a company vehicle, it went to quick lube places per company policy. The only difference between the techs and a bunch of monkeys is the techs don’t fling their poop around. Too many horror stories out of those places.
Well, you’re no fun 🙂
+1, except for disposal. Into old jugs, into trash bag, into trash can.
AutoZone and O’Reilly’s will take used oil. Most parts stores do, too.
Ah! Thanks, drjim; we have both nearby.
I eventually became a mechanic and it started because I did my own work, including many of the horror stories recounted above (although not generally all in the same job). Long term, it’s how you learn and now I have a good side gig which brings in significant amounts of extra cash on weekends. Although marginally funny, I’d say this one falls a little short of the intended mark.
Don’t you hate it when you tell a joke and then people crap all over it with serious analysis?
$20 oil change, where?
Do not forget …
cheap oil change forgets to properly screw oil drain plug.
hot engine at some point comes on
but wife still drives car
engine seizes
junk car
buy new car
(thankfully it wasnot my wife)
19) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
20) Remember drain plug from step 11.
I’ve done this. A friend of mine interrupted me at the crucial instant by showing me the drain plug and asking, “What about this?”
Oh holy shit.
So… the Migraine du Jour goes to Jiffy Lube for an oil change. The troll in the basement cross threads the drain plug – now what? Well… she calls me. I arrive and talk to the manager. Now what? He’s got an ace mechanic on the way. Turns out the so-called mechanic has the all the acumen of a retarded howler monkey. He’s going to use some kind of sealant… lock tight. I call a halt and notify my own mechanic.
After a long argument, another mechanic arrives with a tap and die set, straightens out the threads, produces a new plug, and we’re off and running. No leaks.
All- LOL, I’m an old fart. I was taught how to ‘properly’ change oil at 10 years old. I’ve done it for…way too many years. And yes, now the dealer does it (came with the maintenance package). Re Jufffy et al stores, Oh HELL no! That’s just asking for a blown engine! (As happened to my daughter a few years ago when the drain plug fell out less than three miles from the oil change place.)
Posted from my iPhone.
Been there, done that. All of that (except spending the night in jail) many times. I remember the mess getting the oil filter off
when I couldn’t find that tool somebody designed that fitted the oil filter. And for some reason, whenever I did that with the car in the driveway, it started raining. Plus whenever an oil change was necessary you went on and took the sparkplugs out and cleaned them.
A mess every time.
That’s funny stuff right there, Old NFO. Just so happens, my oil change light has been “on” for a month now. This post must be the poke that gets me out to the garage. Thanks?!…Ohio Guy
Lucky for me the local Jiffy Lube is run by competent people but it more on the order of $40. I provide the filters and check that they are used. The staff laugh at me but do as I ask.
My 76 year old knees appreciate having someone else do the job.
That said, the second scenario (less the beer and DUI) has happened.
Just remember to NEVER EVER EVER buy a Fram Oil Filter.
They will void your warranty on pretty much any car with a turbo.
They’re crapola.
I still do my own oil changes on the cars and the Jeep. Face it; these days, the oil change is about the only time you can get intimate with the engine compartment to see if there’s anything going sideways under there. The truck; I let the dealer do it; two filters and sixteen quarts of oil. For a diesel, the cost difference between dealer and DYI is almost a wash.
Been a while since you’ve been to a Jiffy Lube…..a basic oil change now is about $45-50 bucks now. And goin to one IS a crap shoot. Some of their employees are competent…..some are abject morons who will do thousand in damage to your vehicle.
Fumoto drain valve for the win. Attach hose, Lift lever out of closed position and rotate 90 degrees, oil goes into jug. slide lever back to closed.
We have a mechanics pit in the garage. So back in the day Changing oil in the vehicle’s was my late dad’s and my job. we changed up to three vehicles on a Saturday morning. We also packed boat trailer bearings, we did I do not know how many brake jobs. Those led to a lot of cussing and one time a thrown Brake shoe across the garage This was when the youngest sister learned to cuss and three years old. She wanted to see what dad and I were up to in the garage so when she returned to the house My late mother got quite a surprise. Lots of memories in that garage.
All- Thanks and yes, it’s been a few years since they F’ed up my daughter’s car. Sabre- I would have LOVED a pit. I just used the lifts at the base hobby shop.
Posted from my iPhone.
Talk about how far things have come! The grease pit in the auto hobby shop at the Coast Guard base could only be used at low tide. The damned thing drained to the bay! When the tide came in, there was a foot of water in the pit! Thems were the days…
I used to do all my own maintenance. Then, 35 years ago, I got a job with a company car. During that time I didn’t even own a personal car. They had a few particular places – mostly tire shops – where routine maintenance was always done. I didn’t mind because all I had to do was sit back and let them do it all. And it didn’t cost me a cent. Yeah, I was well and truly spoiled.
Now I’m retired and for the first time in all those years, I own my own vehicle and *I* am now responsible for the routine maintenance.
Here’s the thing. I spent all those years servicing machines in my job. But now, at my age, I would rather take a beating than work on a car.
So I take it to the dealer.
Yeah, I know, I can find cheaper places, but the maintenance plan came with the car and to me, it’s worth the extra money.
Now, lawn mowers, weed whackers, snow blowers, and chain saws etc. I do all of that work myself. And trust me, if I could find somebody nearby that would do it for me – for money – I would probably take advantage of it.
I know. To some people I lose “man points”, but I don’t care.
I had a friend who had his oil changed at one of those quick-lube places. (It was NOT Jiffy-lube.) One of the jack-legs that worked there apparently cross threaded the oil plug or something and it fell out about an hour later. The engine didn’t seize up, but it was still damaged beyond repair. When they balked at paying for the damages, he sued them in small claims court. He had all the receipts with timestamps plus the prima-facia evidence of the cross-threaded plug socket. They settled by buying him a new engine.
Besides blowing coffee everywhere, the little story brought back memories of doing just about 99% the same thing, minus the DUI!
Roy- I’m there with ya… sigh…
drjim- LOL, we’ve ALL done it, whether we will ADMIT it is a different thing (with or without the DUI)… sigh
Totally off topic. I found this while waiting for a haircut and thought might be interest. Good luck.
https://asauctions.com/
And then there is me. I did my own oil changes until my knees said, “Up yours! You make me get on the ground again and you will have to find someone to help you get up.” Now I use my local independent mechanic. I don’t put up with dealership shenanigans.
DW- Ohhhh… I’d need to hit the lottery to play… sigh
Judy- That works too! GOOD mechanics are out there, if you work to find them!
What man drives a vehicle you need to jack up to slide under? The 4 inch lift and 36 inch tires on a mans vehicle eliminate that. One pair of disposable gloves eliminates that. “Writes a check”? What century are we in?
*One pair of disposable gloves eliminates hand cleaner.* Sorry.